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Auntie Slag
2004-09-22, 05:49 PM
The scene: A typical AWF fan is watching the latest Mayhem on TV. As we near a break the fan realises he’s out of beer! He’s about to get up and go to the fridge when a particular commercial catches his attention, stopping him in mid-rise. The sequence is shot in black and white. An acoustic guitar plays in accompaniment to a series of shots representing various AWF stars, each one alone. A melancholy voice chimes the appropriate line as we briefly glimpse each man…

”Sixswitch stares at the posters on the wall,
Tempest sits and waits for a telephone call,
Skywarp mixes alcohol, with polythene and paint.

Divebomb stays in bed on his own,
He can hear the cars outside and wonders where they go,
And if you call his answer phone,
He’ll get back to you one day.

And lonely Wrestlers,
Lonely wrestlers…
Fill the world.

Cloudstrifer dreams whilst he’s typing away,
Viewfind kills time while the company pays,
HBK still hears 808’s,
Ringing in his brain.

Morpheus slaps paint on the walls of his home,
D-Ex sings when he thinks that he’s alone,
Ignavus gets drunk and wanders home,
Through the car parks that eat his change.

Yeah, Lonely wrestlers,
Lonely wrestlers…
Fill the world

Oh they pummel through the summer,
And scream through the rain.
They sma-aaash through the winter,
But never show the pain.

Oh sometimes our lives are not what they seem,
Sometimes things aren’t like they are in the AWF magazine.
We see what we want to see,
In this squared circle every day…”

A burly voice interrupts as the music fades into the background.

“Are you or someone you know a lonely wrestler? Its not easy being a superstar. Even the biggest man can cry, the muscliest man can whimper, the beefiest beefcake can bawl. Just know that you’re not alone. Call


to be put through to an experienced AWF counsellor. Its 118% confidential, its 119% free, and its 120% for you. Don’t just beat the blues, smash them through the floor of the ring with a steel chair.”

The commercial ends with a silhouetted pic of two wrestlers hugging, and then punching each other. The bottom of the screen reads ‘A charitable concern of AWF/Anderson/Hot Slag Group’

Normal commercials resume. The fan wanders off to the kitchen.

2004-09-22, 07:48 PM
ooc: Thumbs up! Funny, funny stuff as always. I saw that "Auntie Slag" had posted most recently in the AWF and about jumped out of my chair.

Here's hoping that this marks the return of "On the Couch".

2004-09-22, 09:52 PM
OOC: It's taken me a full five minutes to calm down sufficiently to be able to type properly again after that...Excellento, Auntie!

2004-09-22, 11:16 PM
OOC: That was so awesome my brain is hurting

IC: Auntie, we haven't met yet, but I'd just like to say how awesome you are. You are my personal hero. Seriously, I love you. Will you marry me?

Also, thanks for putting me in the song. I'm touched!

2004-09-23, 12:40 AM
OOC: I'm with Shockmeister, that has got to be one of the best adds ever. Class act all the way!

2004-09-23, 04:15 AM
I see a solution to Prozac.

Lord Zarak
2004-09-23, 07:08 PM
where was my mention?

2004-09-24, 09:09 AM
OOC: COOL! I hope this means your return to the AWF!

D-Ex: *watches the advertisement end and throws the beer can behind him* THAT IDIOT! I knew she/he was lying about that new American Idol season where I need to send my video tape through him/her. Autie Slag, thats the LAST TIME your gonna rib D-Extreme!!! :rant: Oh yeah, uhm.....dont worry, I'll be dialin :glance:

Auntie Slag
2004-09-24, 09:53 AM
OOC: You know, I really would like to come back to the AWF and reprise ‘On the Couch’. There are so many new superstars now, not to mention all the regulars I never got around to interviewing. The thing is I’ve just moved house and I’m chasing a few job prospects. If it all works out and I get the job, I’ll know how much time I’ll have to write. I’ve been trying to do the toy reviews but I’m very slow with them, the good thing about the AWF gives deadlines you have to work to, which makes me get my ass in gear.

IC: Igz, of course I will marry you, but you must know that I am very temperamental. If you check some of my old shows, you’ll find that I occasionally had a PMS moment with the guests or crowd, and I’ve never been shy of rugs, sects or violence. I think that yourself and Judge Death are very much the up and coming stars and NEED to be interviewed most thoroughly, some might say intimately so. Young blood invigorates the format. Also, though I had an open contract with the AWF, I would need to wine and dine with the current bosses as to getting my weekly slot back. Politics darlings, politics.

Big Z; you hail from Manchester. I felt that was isolation enough from mankind. Even throwbacks deserve leniency, at least, that was my take on you. A-ha!

And now a confession. Sadly that song wasn’t my own doing. It was plagiarised! I simply nicked a Suede song and changed the words a bit (hence Mr. Anderson in the ‘charitable concern’ ref), because wrestling imitates life, imitates wrestling. Plagiarise baby, but never wholly, because that way lyeth the court case.

I also hope both of Cyberstrike’s fans are continuing to pay per view. And I am personally meeting with Mr. Jeb Bush tonight with regards piping the AWF free into EVERY Holiday Inn in the good (if slightly corrupt) state of Florida. We ain’t nuthin’ without our hicks.

2004-09-25, 04:44 AM
OOC: Best Aunty Ever.

IC: Best Aunty Ever.

Lord Zarak
2004-10-03, 11:12 AM
NO!! PLEASE!!!! Let me come back into the real world! I don't want to be exiled