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Skyquake87
2015-02-04, 01:46 PM
Being fairly new to the Archive, I am finding constant things that are new to me , and rather belatedly, I just wanted to say this is just brilliant:

http:/http://www.tfarchive.com/fandom/features/wwt/issue6.php/

Clay
2015-02-04, 08:32 PM
Two things come to mind. One, holy crap those were years ago now; two, they're still spot on and funny.

Skyquake87
2015-02-05, 09:28 AM
I know, I have been proper laughing reading these :) I also read your paper what you done Clay, and that was a good read too (although more serious, obv).

Cliffjumper
2015-02-05, 10:14 AM
I wrote a couple more last summer but what with one thing and another they didn't get to web before the topicality passed. The problem was always cobbling together a decent amount before things came out or what-have-you, especially as Chris and I didn't really have a lot to do with fandom beyond this place.

"7"

MASTERPIECE JAZZ & BUMBLEBEE: FANS WORRIED

The recent announcement that TakaraTomy's revitalised Masterpiece line will be tackling popular child association characters Jazz and Bumblebee has sent fans into their usual spasms of panic.

"I've got Sideswipe and Soundwave and they're bloody fantastic," one fan told WWTF. "And Smokescreen... I might actually have sex with Smokescreen he looks so good. It isn't right, this isn't how Transformers should work."

This worrying form follows on from IDW's recent radical step of going 12 months without shitting all over their readership.

Long-term fans have backed Takara to repeat the success of their fan-favourite Binaltech line by putting out a couple of decent figures early on then throwing out any old rubbish in later waves in the hope of snaring completists, obsessives and other freaks.

One true fan, weighing some 21 stone, opined "Bumblebee will probably be modelled on the G2 Go-Bot one and Jazz will have his Martini decals replaced with sweary Engrish along the lines of 'Minty Raping' - there's no way they can actually get this right, is there?"

TF4 SLATED BY FANS

Scores of Transformers fans have been flooding bulletin boards with their reviews of Michael Bay's Transformers 4 throughout July, complaining about how different the film is from a cartoon made thirty years ago, how their favourite character is a bit different, how it isn't based on whatever IDW title is briefly in vogue this month, how they expected Michael Bay to drastically change a billion-dollar film franchise because a few nerds didn't like it and other vague, scared reasons.

When pressed most eventually admitted that the film wasn't out until 2014 and they had been caught out by the series' departure from a two-year cycle. However, the majority also admitted that the actual quality of the film was unlikely to change their congealed opinions.

FALL OF CYBERTRON MUCH BETTER THAN ANYTHING NOT FALL OF CYBERTRON

A poll of Fall of Cybertron fans has revealed that Fall of Cybertron is simply the best thing ever made. One Fall of Cybertron fan, who claims the group are to be referred to as 'focers' after the game's unmemorable acronym, said

"They should totally just follow Fall of Cybertron for everything. Bay should make a film that's just Fall of Cybertron exactly, without a single detail changed. That's just the sort of unoriginal rubbish he'd come out with.

And they should do a cartoon instead of that childish Prime rubbish; again, follow it exactly. Small children love boring computer game-based plots and action sequences, they just don't know it because there's all this fun stuff distracting them from how grown up Transformers is."

If you are accosted by a focer at any point their main weaknesses are sunlight, moderate exercise and the live-action movie tie-in games.

BOTCON STILL NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE FOR PROPER PEOPLE

With Comic-Con gaining mainstream press coverage and the likes of Marvel Studios and Walking Dead making comics a more socially acceptable hobby (providing you're a hipster carrying at least three Apple products at all times and an unhealthy self-regard), the question has been asked as to whether tickets to the venerable BotCon will induce looks of envy from friends and colleagues rather than that glazed stare fans usually receive.

A comprehensive survey of real people has revealed the answer to be "No."

"8"

ALL TRANSFORMERS EVER NOW OFFICIALLY GAY

After intense online speculation about the sexuality of Deception Knock Out, Hasbro's official Poor Sod Who Has To Deal With Transformers' Fans Stupid Questions has cracked and declared every single Transformer ever is as bent as a nine-bob note.

Transformers fans have long been deeply distrustful of anyone who takes any basic care of their appearance, has good social relationships or who seem to have fun, meaning a long line of characters such as Tracks, Starscream and Sunstreaker being branded as bum-bandits.

The spokesman insisted: "Yes, all of them. Even the ones who get it on with girl Transformers, they're just hiding from their true feelings. The girls are all gay too - not in a sexy long-nail softcore porn mag sort of way, more the butch bulldyke type."

JAMES ROBERTS "JUST A WRITER"

Intensive research has revealed that James Roberts is just a really, really good comic writer and not actually some sort of God-like being. Issues of Roberts' comics have become sought-after collectors items on auction sites such as ebay due to the number which rapidly become damp and sticky after arriving in fanatics' hands. However, it turns out he's just good at his job, admittedly a first for a 21st century Transformers comic writer.

Roberts himself was unavaliable for comment but probably finds the wholesale adulation a little embarrassing.

HASBRO SELL OUT BY PITCHING TRANSFORMERS TO CHILDREN

Transformers fans have hit out at Hasbro's plans to make Transformers figures for children. The planned figures are much simpler than those of recent years, causing much consternation among 'adult' fans.

"**** the kids!" one exclaimed, in a bitter, angry rant. "I might have been a kid when I first got into Transformers and the simple, straightforward toys formed a big part of my childhood, which is probably why I feed on the nostalgia of still buying toys. I don't see why today's children should get to have the same straightforward entertainment when I'm not one of them."

NEW TRANSFORMERS NOVEL WRITTEN BY YOU WHEN YOU WERE 5

You are considering legal action after you realised Transformers: Retribution is based on a story you 'wrote' when you were five years old.

Your story was initially written in purple crayon and was four whole exercise book pages long including a smashing drawing of Prowl where you completely ****ed up his doors and then tried to colour over them.

You found the story, starring a new scary Decepticon called Tyrannicon, a few years ago when sifting through some old boxes and were burningly ashamed of just how bad it was while also realising that it was much better than anything Scott Ciencin ever managed.

Rack 'n Ruin
2015-02-05, 01:28 PM
Please can we make these an ongoing thing? I'm imagining a weekly or monthly update of "news". This is hilarious! :)

Terome
2015-02-05, 06:39 PM
Seconded. You can't hide the light of lines like "Roberts himself was unavaliable for comment but probably finds the wholesale adulation a little embarrassing" under a bushel.

Cliffjumper
2015-02-05, 06:50 PM
Cheers guys... the problem is that 1) I'm notoriously unreliable and 2) I don't spend as much time reading TF news and stuff as I did even a couple of years ago, which leaves me a little low on fodder, it's usually just when my boredom takes me to the Wiki. More than happy for other people to do the thing, though.

inflatable dalek
2015-02-05, 09:30 PM
It's interesting how some of them age (the Knockout bit doesn't work now we've had non-camp gay Transformers), but some like the reaction of fans to toys that are actually made for children are timeless.

Skyquake87
2015-02-05, 11:23 PM
:lol:

Brilliant. Cliffjumper is the Charlie Brooker of Transformersdom. TBH, even if these showed up once in a blue moon, it'd be good. Topicality be damned.


...I can totally picture a Shockwave image that now says "ARE ALL GAY"

inflatable dalek
2015-02-05, 11:26 PM
:lol:

Brilliant. Cliffjumper is the Charlie Brooker of Transformersdom.

Only one of them is having sex with Konnie Huq though.

Skyquake87
2015-02-06, 09:43 AM
..or so we'd hope

Rack 'n Ruin
2015-02-06, 12:46 PM
Well, I'd certainly hope.

inflatable dalek
2015-02-06, 12:49 PM
Why do you think Cliffy doesn't have time to do more of these?






































Because he's a doting father and husband, that's why. Of course.

Terome
2015-02-22, 11:22 PM
I wandered over to the esteemed Seibertron.com and as I read the discussion there, these words slowly materialised on the wall in blood:

Manchildren confused by children's television programme

Transformers: Robots In Disguise is the franchise's latest cartoon show aimed at the 9-12 year old boy market. It premiered yesterday on Cartoon Network and was praised for its colourful, dynamic animation and lively action sequences. A team of Autobots protect Earth against the destructive actions of the Decepticons.

"My favourite is Sideswipe," said one ten year old boy. Sideswipe is the young, rebellious new recruit to the team. "I don't have his toy but he's a really cool red sports car. I saw it in Tesco."

Of course, no Transformers programme would be complete unless it launched alongside a solid wall of merchandise. Front and centre is Bumblebee, the beloved silent mascot of the previous series who has now landed a starring role.
"I've got three Bumblebees," said a seven year old girl. "He's funny. He talks now."

And where does that leave Optimus Prime, the sage-like father figure who is the indelible face of the franchise? In the last series, Transformers: Prime, Optimus sacrificed himself for the greater good. But nothing can keep Optimus Prime from the front lines (and toy shelves!) forever: he appears in Robots In Disguise as Bumblebee's spirit guide in the manner of Obi Wan Kenobi.

Rounding out the cast is Grimlock, a loveable rouge who turns into a menacing T-rex.
"He's a dinosaur!" said the target market.

Manchildren, however, were less pleased. One remarked, on-line, "Why does Sideswipe never once reference the important mission he went on in a computer game I played in 2012?"
"And why is Bumblebee the leader now," asked another before answering his own rhetorical hook thus - "I'll tell you why, it's so Hasbro can cram a million Bumblebee toys down our throat. Why do they do us, none of us like Bumblebee!"

As for the return of Optimus Prime, this series of Tweets from a manchild sparked a spirited discussion: "This series is dead to me after what they did with [Optimus] Prime in The Covenant" [of Primus, a high-priced book aimed at older audiences containing unused backstory concepts for the previous Transformers series]. "Can't relate to [Optimus] Prime as unkillable ghost member of [The Thirteen] like I could when he was an unkillable ghost just because"

Even the winning combination of giant robot and dinosaur could not win over the manchildren. An extract of a 60 000 word suicide note had this to say:
"Grimlock is completely at odds with his previous characterisation in the RoD comics. This will mess up the Wiki, a fan-run database I consider to be more worthwhile than the media it joylessly catalogues. I feel that in this dark post-Animated world we will not be blessed with an elaborate and unnecessary series of guide books that fits everything nicely into place and we will be forever exposed to a world that contains contradiction, subtlety and disorder."

Transformers: Robots In Disguise begins today on Cartoon Network and will be forgotten by everyone in under two years.

Clay
2015-02-23, 02:56 AM
That is terribly, unfortunately accurate. And funny.

Terome
2015-02-24, 11:52 AM
Thank you Clay. Your encouragement has caused me to loose another on the world:



Petition formed to put a stop to reckless imagination

The Transformers fandom was abuzz this week as yet another petition was launched to motivate license-holders to fill in some narrative gaps that mark a long-dormant storyline.

"In the original Transformers cartoon there is a 20 year gap between the end of Season 2 and the beginning of the theatrical movie, set in the year 2005," states the petition. The Sunbow Production series of 'The Transformers' ceased production in 1987. "So far, this gap can only be filled in our imaginations, in whatever form and length our minds can provide. The possibilities are literally endless, so long as they move towards an eventuality where all the characters are present, in their appropriate forms, at their starting marks as seen in the movie. This petition aims to put those much-needed limitations in place."

Such calls to curtail the collective imagination of the audience are not unprecedented in the Transformers community. In 2011, a fan-motivated petition to continue the storylines cut short in the Marvel Comics series of Transformers resulted in a 20-issue run of comics from IDW, the current license holders.

The effort, the Regeneration One comic, was a success - years worth of singular and collaborative efforts by fans to tie up loose ends and continue on the spirit and fun of the original comics, efforts that formed an important nucleus of early online fandom, which forged friendships and led to marriages, which gave an outlet to young, emerging artistic and writing talent, was all swept away in favour of a number of comics printed on glossy paper which had been approved by Hasbro, the company which owns the Transformers intellectual property.

"Regeneration One proved that it can be done," the petition goes on. "All those busy, busy minds speculating and inventing, all those talks at pubs and meet-ups, all those low-fi zines, they can disappear now. By getting the original creators involved who, after twenty years of growth, development and reflection, are no longer functionally the same people, we got the definitive, utterly sanctioned edition of what these characters were up to and what they will go on to do. But there are still people imagining what became of slightly different versions of those characters and that needs to stop right away."

"We have Flint DeLille interested," it warned.

A spokesperson for IDW commented on the fledgling petition, "At IDW, we thrive on transmuting the limitless imagination spawned by inventive properties into finite products printed on glossy paper. If somebody, somewhere, is imagining something about a profitable IP, we will correct them."

Cliffjumper
2015-02-24, 12:04 PM
Enjoying these :) Will see about cobbling together an edition I think...

Rack 'n Ruin
2015-02-24, 12:34 PM
Ha ha ha! Liking these. More please! :clap:

Terome
2015-02-24, 12:36 PM
Thanks, Cliffy and R&R. That is ace. Intrigued by the talk of an edition.

Another one came to me on the way to the library:

Front line of gender equality war identified as Combiner Fan Poll

BREAKING - the ongoing struggle to have women, making up slightly more than one-half of all humans, recognised as legal, moral and intellectual equals to men has reached its peak on an unusual battlefield - the Hasbro Combiner Fan Poll.

The poll, a standard piece of choice architecture conducted through a downloadable app, allows fans of the Transformers franchise to vote on the components and characteristics that will make up a new 'Combiner,' a giant, Voltron-like Transformer made up of five or more smaller characters. Hasbro is devoting much of its Transformers product this year to the gimmick and the fan-chosen Combiner will be made available at retail. Not only can fans choose which 'modes,' like car or firetruck, each component of the combiner can be, they can also help to choose more abstract features of the toys such as their faction, colour and, most significantly, gender.

"A female Combiner would change everything," stated a high-ranking Tumblr user stationed at the foot of Tel Megiddo, said to be the site of the final battle for positive female representation in media. He was dressed in the uniform of his cause - practical Medieval armour that would fit a woman without showing much skin or overemphasising secondary sexual characteristics. "This is what we've been waiting for."

"I don't think the Combiner should be a girl," said a footsoldier of the opposition, who hadn't yet quite got round to leaving the house due to learning difficulties and profound social anxiety. He visibly struggled with the blazing Freudian implications of gendered characters 'combining' physically to overcome challenges for several moments before managing, "That would be weird."

"They made Windblade [the subject of last year's fan-mediated poll] a woman and now they want this too?" said a slightly more eloquent man who makes his living by recording himself playing computer games. "And they call us the fascists?" He then spent eighteen straight hours making dummy accounts from various IP addresses in an attempt to swing the vote towards the Combiner being male.

The world holds its breath as this conflict teeters on the brink.

In other news, the 200 girls kidnapped by Boko Haram soliders in Nigeria remain unfound.

Skyquake87
2015-02-24, 11:00 PM
These are great :)

"We have Flint Delille interested" genius.

Terome
2015-02-25, 12:45 PM
Thanks Skyquake. I came up with another one while I should have been doing some work:


James Roberts has not Tweeted in several hours

BREAKING - It has been several hours since James Roberts, the Transformers comic-writing dreamboat, has posted anything to his Twitter stream.

"Is he sick?" wrote one fan, typing slowly in between prolonged intervals of twisting her fingers, one by one, through a clenched fist. "It's been raining recently in [Roberts' native] Jersey. Maybe he got caught outside and got a cold."

The writer, who has been working as a freelance scripter for IDW Publishing's Transformers comics since 2009, is known for his urbane, witty and lively engagement with the fans. He often answers questions, teases future developments and makes conversation through his social media feed, which has over 3000 followers.

"I'd have thought that he'd have said something by now," said another fan who phoned our offices to alert us of this development. "Maybe a song that goes with the latest issue or an article about the N-H-S that British people have." He then hung up abruptly and called back, saying that he thought he'd seen something but it was just [IDW artist and regular collaborater with Roberts] Alex Milne instagramming a pasta.

Roberts was unreachable for comment about this lack of comment. Speculation abounds but the consensus of community leaders seems to lean towards the 'nap theory.'

"He was up pretty late last night linking to fanart that he enjoyed and approved of. He usually sleeps for 7.5 hours but we know he was up early when he put up the preview pages so it's entirely possible he's making up the sleep debt with a short siesta." Said the Tumblr posting of a noted Roberts expert.

Nobody answering Roberts' description could be found at local A&E or mortuaries so there is every reason to assume that normal social media activities will resume shortly.

"The important thing is not to panic. He hates it when we worry too much," the Tumblr posting concluded.

Weekly World Transformers
2015-02-25, 01:20 PM
Loving these. Been a bit of a format switch, old bean, have PM'd you. If anyone else interested in writing these wants to PM either me or normal me :)

Dead Man Wade
2015-03-03, 10:15 PM
Because Armada Starscream is the funniest thing I've seen in a while...

Hasbro Announces Expanded Generations Line

Hasbro announced today that the success of toys like Generations Armada Starscream and Waspinator have convinced the company to take things even further. Said a spokesman, "These things are a goldmine for us. For a new character, we have to hire artists, designers, sculptors and engineers. For an older character, we can cut our design worforce by 50% or more. Then, all we've got to do is have IDW cram them in a Generation One comic book, and fanboys knock themselves out to find them."

Fans were skeptical when company reps outlined the next waves of the Generations line, many of which were unpopular designs when they first appeared in their respective toylines. However, that skepticism turned to elation when they were told that all of the characters were actually part of the Generation One continuity, and would be playing major parts in upcoming story arcs of IDW's Transformers line.

We spoke to one fan, who gushed, "When Armada came out, I didn't bother with it because it was an error-ridden abomination animated by underpaid Asian slave labor and meant for children, unlike the show I grew up with. Plus, I needed that shelf space for E-hobby repaints of palette-swapped non-characters that appeared in six frames of the original cartoon. But now that I know that Side Swipe is actually the original in a new body, I preordered six: One for me, and five to give out as gifts to family members."

When asked if obscure Japanese characters would be getting the same treatment, the spokesman responded, "Sure. Why the **** not?"

Notabot
2015-03-04, 04:56 AM
Generations Line Runs Out of Nostalgic Figures, Laps Itself
With the popularity of the Generations line reaching far beyond what Hasbro originally expected, toy makers have run out of Transformers characters that can still be evoke the nostalgia that the line was originally meant to bring to fans. "To be honest," said one designer, "we just can't think of any more Transformers. Nobody at all comes to mind when we ask ourselves, 'Who haven't we done yet?' We've even dug pretty deeply into comics that normal people don't read. I honestly had no idea who Brainstorm was when I designed him."

Hasbro had intended to bring the line to a triumphant end, but then stumbled upon an idea which will bring in even more money. "We realized that the now-called Generations line has been running for so long that people might actually be nostalgic for figures we did just a few years ago! God bless America's short attention span!"

The first of the new line, dubbed "Robots in Generations of Disguise Origins" by a monkey with a dartboard, will be Generations Generations Bumblebee. "Generations Bumblebee was such a fantastic toy to bring Bumblebee back to the forefront, and that move clearly paid off in spades. We're hoping that the new Generations Generations Bumblebee will exponentially increase his popularity again to the point that we need never make any other characters."

In the unlikely event that Hasbro cannot ride Bumblee into the sunset, though, engineers are halfheartedly developing Generations Generations Optimus Prime who is rumored to be identical to the original Generations Prime but with twice as many joints and half as many colors.

"We're very excited about this new line," stated project manager Hank Ephraim. "Even so, there are two major risks involved. First, with reaching back into the near past, our marketing department warned us that the nostalgia purchases may not be as high as the line initially saw. And secondly, we realize that if we keep up at this pace, we will soon be releasing redone figures before the original figure even comes out."