Weekly World Transformers
2015-03-05, 10:21 AM
http://thumbnails110.imagebam.com/39497/5f99ed394964112.jpg (http://www.imagebam.com/image/5f99ed394964112)
Evans showed a distinct lack of care about which variant
of Optimus Prime he bought during a trip to Toys R Us.34 year-old Transformers "fan" Bill Evans will be buried this week after hanging himself from a tree in his garden while his house burned down for no reason at all.

The death is believed to be completely unconnected to an internet controversy he was involved in earlier this month. Evans rocked the fandom after the scandalous declaration that he bought "one, maybe two smallish Transformers toys a month as presents for my six year old son" and was only visiting the site "to find out if the Combiner War toys are interchangeable".

In a lengthy discussion on the w00tw00tTransformersAreAwesome.biz message board, Evans was asked numerous questions by Real Transformers Fans, causing outrage with each increasingly implausible response.

When questioned on his preference of animated series he cheerily responded that he loved the original cartoon "when he was younger" but his kid enjoys "whatever the current one is called, I'm not sure myself as it's just on in the background to distract him while I read John Grisham books."

Having been asked about the depth and nuances of James Roberts' comic masterpiece "More Than Meets The Eye", Bill confirmed that he doesn't really get time to read comics as much as he'd like nowadays, but is picking up the new collected editions of Hellblazer as they come out, however has to be careful of when he reads them as they're a bit too much for his son. The mere implication that a comic might be considered suitable for a child to read in the first place very nearly resulted in the thread being locked.

The message board thread had already reached 37 pages before the deceased casually remarked that Michael Bay's film series were "a reasonable enough way to spend a summer's evening without having to sit through a Richard Curtis film". When pressed harder, he admitted that if he had one criticism it would be that "they were a bit long, to be honest".

Rumours that a burning Generations Metroplex was planted in his front garden the night before the fire have been dismissed as "Dayglo Playskool Gobot lies" by leading members of the Transformers fan community.

An unnamed ATTer is quoted as saying "Look, we have absolutely no idea how that blowtorch was accidentally left on his living room carpet. Maybe if he had more non-flammable products around like, I don't know, an army of Energon Terrorcons that passed all their safety tests, then his house would have been properly insulated against stuff like this."

Evans' son has been put into temporary foster care with a family who own every variant toy from the entire Unicron Trilogy and who have promised to give him the upbringing he deserves.

"It's probably for the best, really" said another fan. "The guy didn't even know who Steve Baskerville is for ****'s sake."