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Old 2015-02-05, 10:14 AM   #4
Cliffjumper
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I wrote a couple more last summer but what with one thing and another they didn't get to web before the topicality passed. The problem was always cobbling together a decent amount before things came out or what-have-you, especially as Chris and I didn't really have a lot to do with fandom beyond this place.

"7"

MASTERPIECE JAZZ & BUMBLEBEE: FANS WORRIED

The recent announcement that TakaraTomy's revitalised Masterpiece line will be tackling popular child association characters Jazz and Bumblebee has sent fans into their usual spasms of panic.

"I've got Sideswipe and Soundwave and they're bloody fantastic," one fan told WWTF. "And Smokescreen... I might actually have sex with Smokescreen he looks so good. It isn't right, this isn't how Transformers should work."

This worrying form follows on from IDW's recent radical step of going 12 months without shitting all over their readership.

Long-term fans have backed Takara to repeat the success of their fan-favourite Binaltech line by putting out a couple of decent figures early on then throwing out any old rubbish in later waves in the hope of snaring completists, obsessives and other freaks.

One true fan, weighing some 21 stone, opined "Bumblebee will probably be modelled on the G2 Go-Bot one and Jazz will have his Martini decals replaced with sweary Engrish along the lines of 'Minty Raping' - there's no way they can actually get this right, is there?"

TF4 SLATED BY FANS

Scores of Transformers fans have been flooding bulletin boards with their reviews of Michael Bay's Transformers 4 throughout July, complaining about how different the film is from a cartoon made thirty years ago, how their favourite character is a bit different, how it isn't based on whatever IDW title is briefly in vogue this month, how they expected Michael Bay to drastically change a billion-dollar film franchise because a few nerds didn't like it and other vague, scared reasons.

When pressed most eventually admitted that the film wasn't out until 2014 and they had been caught out by the series' departure from a two-year cycle. However, the majority also admitted that the actual quality of the film was unlikely to change their congealed opinions.

FALL OF CYBERTRON MUCH BETTER THAN ANYTHING NOT FALL OF CYBERTRON

A poll of Fall of Cybertron fans has revealed that Fall of Cybertron is simply the best thing ever made. One Fall of Cybertron fan, who claims the group are to be referred to as 'focers' after the game's unmemorable acronym, said

"They should totally just follow Fall of Cybertron for everything. Bay should make a film that's just Fall of Cybertron exactly, without a single detail changed. That's just the sort of unoriginal rubbish he'd come out with.

And they should do a cartoon instead of that childish Prime rubbish; again, follow it exactly. Small children love boring computer game-based plots and action sequences, they just don't know it because there's all this fun stuff distracting them from how grown up Transformers is."

If you are accosted by a focer at any point their main weaknesses are sunlight, moderate exercise and the live-action movie tie-in games.

BOTCON STILL NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE FOR PROPER PEOPLE

With Comic-Con gaining mainstream press coverage and the likes of Marvel Studios and Walking Dead making comics a more socially acceptable hobby (providing you're a hipster carrying at least three Apple products at all times and an unhealthy self-regard), the question has been asked as to whether tickets to the venerable BotCon will induce looks of envy from friends and colleagues rather than that glazed stare fans usually receive.

A comprehensive survey of real people has revealed the answer to be "No."

"8"

ALL TRANSFORMERS EVER NOW OFFICIALLY GAY

After intense online speculation about the sexuality of Deception Knock Out, Hasbro's official Poor Sod Who Has To Deal With Transformers' Fans Stupid Questions has cracked and declared every single Transformer ever is as bent as a nine-bob note.

Transformers fans have long been deeply distrustful of anyone who takes any basic care of their appearance, has good social relationships or who seem to have fun, meaning a long line of characters such as Tracks, Starscream and Sunstreaker being branded as bum-bandits.

The spokesman insisted: "Yes, all of them. Even the ones who get it on with girl Transformers, they're just hiding from their true feelings. The girls are all gay too - not in a sexy long-nail softcore porn mag sort of way, more the butch bulldyke type."

JAMES ROBERTS "JUST A WRITER"

Intensive research has revealed that James Roberts is just a really, really good comic writer and not actually some sort of God-like being. Issues of Roberts' comics have become sought-after collectors items on auction sites such as ebay due to the number which rapidly become damp and sticky after arriving in fanatics' hands. However, it turns out he's just good at his job, admittedly a first for a 21st century Transformers comic writer.

Roberts himself was unavaliable for comment but probably finds the wholesale adulation a little embarrassing.

HASBRO SELL OUT BY PITCHING TRANSFORMERS TO CHILDREN

Transformers fans have hit out at Hasbro's plans to make Transformers figures for children. The planned figures are much simpler than those of recent years, causing much consternation among 'adult' fans.

"**** the kids!" one exclaimed, in a bitter, angry rant. "I might have been a kid when I first got into Transformers and the simple, straightforward toys formed a big part of my childhood, which is probably why I feed on the nostalgia of still buying toys. I don't see why today's children should get to have the same straightforward entertainment when I'm not one of them."

NEW TRANSFORMERS NOVEL WRITTEN BY YOU WHEN YOU WERE 5

You are considering legal action after you realised Transformers: Retribution is based on a story you 'wrote' when you were five years old.

Your story was initially written in purple crayon and was four whole exercise book pages long including a smashing drawing of Prowl where you completely ****ed up his doors and then tried to colour over them.

You found the story, starring a new scary Decepticon called Tyrannicon, a few years ago when sifting through some old boxes and were burningly ashamed of just how bad it was while also realising that it was much better than anything Scott Ciencin ever managed.
 
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