TFARCHIVE FORUMS

A few hundred miles off the English west coast, 1984, the 1st of November, midnight; a black shuttle craft, battered and either poorly maintained, over used or both, flies at cruising speed just over the black water. There is an Autobot Symbol on the front that flaps manically in the wind. On closer inspection, the Symbol is a crude painting of the symbol on many Oregon newspapers sellotaped together.

Inside, four Autobot soldiers (Balloon, Bozo, Goldtop and Pushalong) are listening to their Commander in Chief, Optimus Prime, as he delivers their mission statement, over the main view screen. His image flickers often, but the sound quality is mercifully good.
"Men," he begins, "there have been some strange reports coming from England. I have been informed by our chief strategist that there is a strong possibility of there being Decepticon activity there, and that-"
Prowls voice comes over from behind the camera.
"What? I didn't say nothing, this was all your-"
Optimus put his finger to his face plate hurriedly and “Shhh's” Prowl with a meaningful glance. He continues...
"Ok, one of the strategists here said it could be Decepticon Activity.”

“It’s weird over there that’s for sure-“

“Anyway, we need you to investigate and make sure that there is no threat to the humans living there. Because of the Autobot code, and ah, you know, we don’t want the Decepticons doing anything bad…”

Optimus trails off, and then regains his composure.

“Goldtop is in charge of the operation: secure a temporary base and investigate. Ah, the humans are counting on you. Optimus Prime out.”

The screen flickers one last time, Optimus Primes visage disappears: the sound continues for a few moments

“That’s them out of the way anyway: Prowl what’s for dinner?”

Elsewhere:

In an abandoned and derelict field in the midlands, the sky darkens; lightning arcs from one point to another, and the wind picks up, moving the overgrown corn in swirls around a central point…

A cacophony of noise rents the air and the end of the space bridge swirls into view like a water ripple in reverse. A wave of activity washes over the bridge, as drones pass through the warp gate at the centre towards the barren corn field in the dark, carrying crates and equipment. Most of the equipment have stickers and labels recently torn off, but one determines survivor has hung on till now, bearing the legend Sub-standard: to be returned. This is soon torn off by the winds and cast into the English night.

Back in Oregon on the other end of the bridge, Megatron approaches Lamphead, who stands aside from Chiller, Gogglebox and Ticker: Megatron is smiling, which on his borderline psychopathic face makes him as welcoming as a shark.

“You have been selected to lead this mission Lamphead,” he begins, “Because you, and your 3 colleagues are the best qualified to complete it. We need Energon, and I know that you and your team, of all my warriors, can obtain it from the UK without detection. Don’t let me down eh?”

Megatron goes to give a pat on Lampheads back, but pauses whilst he tries to find what should be shoulder level. He gives up, and turns back to the Decepticon base, where there are a few Warriors out to see the mission off. Megatron turns back once he reaches the entrance, and still trying to smile reassuringly, gives the expedition a rather impatient wave off, before entering the base and leaving them to their own devices.

As the decepticon base doors clang shut, Lamphead turns swiftly on his heels to face his troops. He towers over them with the most evil and authoritive expression he can muster.

*TZZZ*

"WELL ? DON'T JUST STAND THERE GAWKING YOU LOT ! WE HAVE A MISSION TO ACCOMPLISH ! I have checked the preliminary reconnaissance for the area and from all of the possible choices in this exhaust pipe of a country I have chosen the great city of Sheffield to be our primary base of operations ... I'd sooner be primus' auditory canal cleaner than go to manchester ... it's too damp"

*tzz*

"We shall attempt to harness the fleshling energy of punk music to make energon ! Gogglebox, tune in to this mudballs' pathetic excuse for climate forecast. I want to know where it's going to be warm ... and dry. Ticker, i want you on look-out. Chiller you take point. We move out in 30 ... i want to be there before it starts to rain."



He begins to stride past them in a hopefully majestic and purposeful way towards the other side of the space bridge and the english night, muttering :"of all the places ... england ... why couldn't we have been sent to the sahara ... or the dead sea ? ... but i will rise to my rightful place in the decepticons, i will see all those who mocked my past failures melted for SCRAP ! ha haa haaa ! "

*TZZZ*




done editing for now, but for those who are interested in what the hell we're on about,the roll call is here check out optimusskids' link

Gogglebox buzzed as static flowed across his screen.

"I am recieving a forecast apparently somewhere called Dogger Bank is going to have strong winds."

He squeeheed across to a packing case

"ahh finally my Betamax upgrade, with this unit i will be able to store troops and deploy them as needed. one day Betamax will dominate the world."

~*~

Aboard the Autobot Shuttle

"ahh wise words from our esteemed Leader, finally he has forgiven me for the incident with the Strawberry yogurt and Oregon Zoo. Right troops find out as much information as you can about our objective. Pushalong start scanning for signs of Decepticon energy sources."

Pushalong slid his office chair over to the control panels for scanning. He stared at them blankly for a moment, then took out a dog eared copy of Idiots Guide to Autobot Shuttles, and looked in the index for Energy Scanning.
After some painful minutes of reading elapse, he begins tapping SQL commands into the computer.

SELCT FROM ENERGY_SCANNER WHERE LONG_RANGE AND ALL_TYPES FOR USE.
The computer made some squeeking noises, and a loading bar painfully started to drag itself from 0%...

Decepticon Base
Ticker nodded, and took his Clock arms off and began practicing using them as samurai swords: he twirled and span, and attempted to look as flash as his hero, Bludgeon. However, he was about a hundred years of practise away from that: during a complicated somersault, Tickers swords clanged together, and one rebounded back into his face. His alarm went off, and he stumbled to the ground, shrieking like a little girl.

Chiller watched Ticker make a pratt out of himself, and smiled cooly. He then turned to Gogglebox, as the spider TV sang the praises of his equipment.
"Do you think yourself the next Soundwave? I cannot wait for the little army of Pets you accrue." he said with heavy sarcasm. He then made to follow Lamphead over the space bridge...

Onboard the Autobt shuttle
Balloon was piloting the Shuttle, and was enjoying manipulating the steering wheel with his feet. He gave a little burp of flame in agreement with Goldtop, and banked towards Cornwall...

Autobot shuttle

Hid in the engineering room, Handlebars transformed into robot mode. The pushy Autobot stepped towards the shuttle cabin, thinking about the injustice caused to him by Optimus Prime when he wasn't chosen to lead - even to join- this important mission.

" I'll teach them " he thought. " I'll teach the right way to plan a mission properly: mine! ".

---

Decepticon base

In an unused dark room of the decepticon's fortress, John was training hard to resemble a real human toilette.

" I'll be the best spy on all Decepticon glorious history! Lazerbeak, Ravage, Soundwave, Counterpunch... your days are gone! " he said to himself, while putting all of his willpower into staying totally quiet.

" BWAHAHAHAHAA ", the sound of a lonely ' toilette in disguise' maniac laughs echoed through the empty corridors of the base.

Gogglebox followed the others towards the space bridge

"pah Soundwave cassete based technology is so obsolete Betamax will replace it and take over the world."

Crossing the Bridge
Ticker pulled himself up as fast as he could, and ran towards Lamphead and Chillerand over the Bridge. He started shouting, "I'm on point! No one move till I've established point! Secured the area," then his voice got incredibly highpitched and he whined "WAIT FOR ME!"

Onboard the Autobot shuttle
Pushalong watched as the bar on the monitor continued it's lazy journey to 100%. He swivelled his chair so he was facing Bozo.
"Hey, what's his job?" he asked Goldtop.

Decepticon base

John decided his train time was over, so he transformed into robot mode ( a toilette with a pair of legs) and stepped out of the base.

" Huh? What's that? " he said when he saw the Spacebridge open and some of his fellow third-class decepticons entering inside. " Ah, a mission. Not of my concern. "

When John was turning back to the base he discovered a small clock arm on the ground. He recognised the tiny thing as one of Ticker's lethal weapons.

" Hey Ticker, wait! " he said, picking up the clock arm with one feet and running as fast as he could with the other one towards the space bridge portal. But the clumsy decepticon bump into a rock, and he throwed himself towards the bridge entrance.

" Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I need more training! " he yelled pitifully while crossing the bridge.

Autobot Shuttle

Gold Top flick through the A-Z of Star Trek

"umm well lets see we've got a pilot and a science officer and I'm captain um so that leaves um Chief engineer , Medic and Securityy.


He turned to Bozo

"Um Bozo I want you to repeat some phrases for me its um a psychocemetric test yeah thats right. no 1 I'm a Doctor not a Nuclear Physicist damm-it , No 2 The engines cannae take it Cap'm and No 3 everythings all clear ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

autobot shuttle :

Bozos' embarrassment is tangible as he stares wide-eyed at his commander. a small bead of oil drips down his forehead as he replies : "wh-wh-what ? me ? b-b-but i'm a stock-taker... i-i-i can't possibly do im-important things like wheeljack or ra-ratchet... but o-ok, i'l do it... ImaDoctornotaNuclearPhysicistdammitTheenginescannaetakeitCap'meverythingsallclearah" he blurts, turning bright red

...there is an empty silence in the cockpit.

"...i-i-i did wa-wa-watch the earthlings' television shows called the a-team and dougie howser th-th-though... and i-i read qui-quite a lot of co-comics" he said with a sheepish smile.

...there is another incredulous silence.

"oh, i-i was taking st-stock earlier and we-we're missing three crates o-of raspberry fla-flavored energon, i-it seems th-there's a-a-a number of stowaways on board. bu-but i didn't want to bo-bother you all with i-it"

he stares uncomfortably at the floor.


a field, lost in the midlands

Lamphead is muttering to himself as he inspects the equipment.
"EXCELLENT." *tzzz tzzt* "everything i ordered is here..." each one in turn, he activates the crates' disguise modes and soon there are six small vans with "kellogg's pop tarts" written on the side in front of him in the field.

he turns to Chiller as he approaches. "we move out. now. you take the front and head towar..." his order is cut off as a shriek from the spacebridge pierces the relative calm of the english night.

"TICKER YOU FOOL !" he bellows as quietly as he can without being too loud whilst striding towards the little decepticon. "be quiet ! we are on a secret mission and i want discretion to be ourAAAHH !"

he screams as if he was stung as he steps in a puddle at the foot of the spacebridge.

"AAAH ! WET ! WETTT !" *TZZZZ* *TZZZZZZ* "GET IT OFF ! GET IT..."

his outburst is cut short by another loud wail from the spacebridge. now furious and loosing his grip on the situation he snaps : "TICKER ! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO... wait a parsec... JOHN ? WHAT IN MEGATRONS' NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ? BE...erm... quiet... we've been trying to get hold of you for weeks... uh.. Nevermind... Now everyone take a van and head east until we hit a road. we've lost enough time as it is ! i will fill you in on my plan as we move"

*TZZZ*

"Googlebox, find an earth program called top of the pops, it will help us locate our targets."

"Ticker ! that's disgusting ! don't get in the things. remote control them !"

"is that smell coming from you john ? i...erm... want you to cover our tracks..."

"LET'S MOVE OUT MY LOYAL TROOPS ! Chiller's already halfway over that hill" and remote controlling two vans, he strides across the field leaving the spacebridge behind him.

acorn BBCs, the lot of them *TZZZZT*

Autobot Shuttle

"stowaways you say , a natural fit for security it looks then. Bozo your now chief of security go deal with the stowaways."


Goldtop swiveled his chair to look at the main screen

"and somebody bring me some oil for this thing the slaggin squeakin' is getting on my nerves."

Autobot shuttle, cockpit
Pushalog looked as the computer got, rather agonisingly, to 10%.
"I'll get your oil captain." he said to Goldtop.
He got up and began rummaging in the firt aid box, looking for oil, all the while choking back tears over the missing Raspberry flavour Energon.

Sheffield
Ticker shudders, embarrased at the dressing down he had recieved from Lamphead. He tried to suppress his anxiety mechanism of ringing till he was dizzy, and took control of one of the deliscious Pop Tart vans: he got inside as they moved, as his teeny likkle legs were having trouble keeping up.

Chiller looked back to the troops massing behind Lamphead from in the trailer part of the van, and smiled deep in his Ice cube tray. As he lead the procession, he thought about how he could turn this entire operation to his own ends, and take control of this team.
His imagination getting the better of him, he didn't notice that he had found the motorway, but that his Van had driven right over it and onto the field on the other side.

In the Midlands


Gogglebox proclaimed

"I have located the programme it seems to be run by a human in some kind of leisure clothing and lots of gold jewelry and a cigar , i have cross referenced this style of dress to other images and have concluded that he must be something called a pimp , these have some kind of association with organics of a female nature by scanning the rest of programme i deduce that the Human is called Pan and that he has a gang of females to do his bidding.


Autobot Shuttle

Gold Top looked at Bozo

"I know about the energon I have converted it into rasberry yoghurt's there are few problems that cannot be solved with milk based products and we must be prepared for the fight ahead."

Pushalong came back from the cupboard, still choking back tears, and began applying the WD-40 to the Springs of Goldtops chair.

Balloon plotted the landing programme, and found a suitably aboandoned area where no one would notice an Autobot shuttle landing.
"Course plotted for the Penzance City Centre Captain Goldtop; we'll be there in 10."

Autobot shuttle

Handlebars, moaning to himself, reached the bridge door and extended his tiny hand to open the door...

( OOC: Slartibartfast, Bozo could try now to open the door and let Handlebars to performe his unworthy entrance... )

---

Middlands


John, relegated to the bottom of the squad, began to use his feet to cover the tracks of his fellow decepticons

autobot shuttle
Bozo is doing a good impression of a three year old being asked to do collegate trigonometry. "ah right okay, security guard ... i'm gonna need more guns !" he draws his little pistol and trundles up to the hatch, but pauses with his hand on the button as he turns to his comrades and says with an air of grandeur "i'm going out for a walk... i may be some time !" he pushes the button ...

At the exact same moment, not a meter away, handlebars also pushes the hatches' open/close button, and the two cancel each other out...

Both autobots mutter a curse under their breath and push the button again, and again ... and again ...

With a final mutter along the lines of "i'm not gonna let a freakin' hatch get in my way!" handlebars takes two steps back and hurls his stick-insect frame at the offensive barrier. just as bozo reaches a conclusion. "the door's broke..." he said with a final unhopeful push. the hatch slides open as handlebars flies through it at full speed, hurtling into pushalong and the back of goldtops' chair. A startled bozos' pistol goes off, narrowly missing balloons' enormous head-body as the shot destroys the screen of the navcom...

Autobot shuttle


" Don't shoot! Don't shoot! " said Handlebars to Bozo and his triggerhappy's manners. " It's me, Handlebars! "

Trying to regaing some - nonexistent - dignity, Handlebars rised to his feet and looked around.

" Well... hum... hello boys! " he said looking to Pushalong and Goldtop. " Don't worry, I'm here! " he added.