How would you react

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Rookwise
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How would you react

Post by Rookwise »

Your partner,girl/boyfriend was doing the following in front of you:

For over a month they had been playing an online game and added one of the other players to their messenger list.
Every spare minute they had, they would be on the computer talking to this person (First thing in the morning and straight away getting in from work) online flirting. Not just tongue in cheek joking. Things of a very sexual and personal nature including things that they would like to do.

When your partner was not on their computer. They would mostly talk about this other person (about what they said).
This other person has also asked your partner to visit them and move to the same area as them.

You have voiced a concern to your partner about what is happening (that you do not agree with them doing this.Especially when your right next to them) but you get a reply saying that it's just a bit of fun.

The situation is causing tension between the two of you and there is hardly any communication except for passing comments from your partner telling you to go and make a drink/get food etc while they're on their computer talking to this other person.


How would you react/proceed ?
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Halfshell
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Post by Halfshell »

Burn the computer. Say it was mice. Mice with guns.

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Denyer
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Post by Denyer »

Slip them this:

http://www.theferrett.com/showarticle.php?Rant=50

See if they spot any similarities. In either themselves or the friend.
This other person has also asked your partner to visit them and move to the same area as them.
There's more on the other person's mind, even if not on the partner's.

See if interest wanes with the game in time. On the plus side, if someone's being honest about things -- mentioning their online acquaintances, not hiding activity, etc. then it's unlikely to be anything seriously considered (consciously, at least) on their side of things.

Just be careful -- certainly I wouldn't let someone else choose my friends for me, which is what complaints could be interpreted as, if they really don't see their behaviour as undue.
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Hound
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Post by Hound »

I think Denyer makes some good points.

One of the more important things to consider here is that the person you're with isn't hiding anything. You don't want them hiding things from you.

At this point it's nothing but harmless online talk between friends.

Keep your eye on the situation, stay interested. The other person obvioulsy is having a lot of fun with this game and freind of theirs so try to be supportive, at least a little. You don't want to make it where the time away from the game is genuinely unpleasent for them.
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RID Scourge
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Post by RID Scourge »

It depends on how much you care for said individual. If you have all ready stated your objections and expressed discomfort with your significant other's heavily flirting with someone else, then, unless they're totally dense, the continuing of said behavior is a good indicator that they aren't necessarily serious about your relationship. Certainly, there's a degree of twisting the knife if your partner is continuing to tell you about these conversations after you've expressed your objections, and in that case, you deserve better.

Certainly, it doesn't breed trust to be describing sex acts to some online stranger, and if they can't see why that would be a problem, then maybe it'd be best to walk away from the relationship.

For my part, if I were to find myself in a relationship with a woman and she were to behave in such a way, I'd probably flat-out tell her that I did not think it was appropriate behavior for someone in a serious relationship, and that it bothered me. If she continued, I'd break up with her. Whether or not I continued to talk to her would depend on if she could carry a conversation without mentioning the online friend. I've been in a relationship, where I was totally unappreciated, and I won't put myself through that kind of bulls*** again. The thing is, even if she's joking, if she knows it upsets me, then continued behavior of the sort is a clear indication that she obviously doesn't care.
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Clogs
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Post by Clogs »

I know a young couple who have been through this scenario - in their case, the gentleman developed a relationship while playing an online game (by which I mean, just chatting about things in the game and a little about themselves - harmless and polite stuff). He did not try to hide the fact of this relationship, since it was above board, so even I knew about it. But then this took an unexpected turn when, apparently, the young lady's hubby left her for another woman; cue sympathy, offer of shoulder to cry on, and you fill in the rest... Got very serious and put a huge strain on my freidns' relationship, since the chap hid everything and his wife found out from other gamers.

The result is divorce.

I go with Denyer, who is our nearest thing to an agony aunt here. Time to be really worried is if the relationship gets out of the box and into reality.
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Post by another tf fan »

Rookwise, I don't even know why you are beating around the bush here. Your partner is cheating on you or will cheat on you shortly.

NO IFs ANDs or BUTs.

Don't be a sucker, and move on, you are in a war the other person doesn't even want to win.

Any advice of "it's just harmless" is doing you a disservice. Don't be a wimp, get your nerve up and bail... too many potential partners out there that don't want to make you feel nervous about your relationship.

Any " ...but I love her/him" outta you is just you wussing out.

Life really is short, no reason to put up with this crap.

BAIL OUT! If you were on a sinking ship would you reminisce about all the good times you and the ship had or would you bail out?
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Sassy
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Post by Sassy »

Move on, if it were me I'd move on.


It doesn't sound like the relationship is going too well if one person is pratically addicted to the computer, going on as much as it was stated, discussing the relationship and their sexuality. What should really end it is that the one person expressed their concern and their feelings were disregarded by the other person.

Even if she does go offline, she will probably find someone in her real life who she can actually sit down with, talk to, discuss her issues with, maybe even still flirt with, the big problem would be who would she be doing that with and whether or not they would take advantage. Also you should watch out for how slick she may try to get, not having you know and doing it behind your back.

Good luck though.
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Denyer
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Post by Denyer »

Two votes to ditch what may be a longterm relationship over a new hobby / fad they're talking about with someone a long distance away...

On the other hand, "hardly any communication" is likely to be a problem whatever the distractions are. Geeks tend to work best with other geeks, who less mind people getting engrossed in projects.

One thing: relationships are only wars if one or both approach from that angle.
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Rookwise
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Post by Rookwise »

Thanks for the replies.

She is a nice person which is what attracted me to her in the first place. We have split up for just over a month last November. 3 day's after I was put off sick from work due to nerves and my granmother died. Made me very ill.
We got back together on Christmas eve after talking the whole night and realising how much we missed each other (She said it had felt as if she had lost her best friend) and we had moved in together 4 days later.
She has always been on her computer a lot before and ever since we got together and like's meeting people.
I've done everything I can possably do for her including money issue's if she's needed any (Don't have a lot myself due to previous relationship). I take her wherever she want's (including lifts to and from work nearly everyday if I'm not on shift. Her work is about 10-15mins walk), If she's wanted something and not had enough money I've bought it for her even if it left me short. I cook mostly every day (she waits for me to come home at 11pm if I'm on a late shift and I cook for her cos she says she's bored of doing things in the house).

Today for example was my day off.

She was on an early shift (8am - 4pm). I got up with her and took her to work as she came to bed late from talking to this other person)
I came home and started tidying up. Completly gutted the bathroom, kitchen and the back room. I stopped for about 2hrs to have some dinner + check my email and also fell asleep for a bit earlier in the day (10am till 11:30am).
I started on the front room but had enough so I made a coffee and turned my laptop on (about 4:30pm)
My girlfriend came in with one of her friends. Took a look at the front room and went off at me because I hadn't tidied it up because she had friends coming over (majority of the mess is from her not putting things back after using them. I have a small pile of letters on the setee which I was working through) and also had a go at me because I hadn't done anymore ironing (she had done some the night before in between chatting online).
She then asked me what I was going to make for tea to which I replied saying that I hadn't give it a thought as I'd been busy.

I turned my laptop off, got up and went to go upstairs as I could feel myself getting wound up. She snapped at me asking where I was going. I replied "away from you with the attitude your currently in" (immature of me really)
Just got a reply of f*** off then tw@t.

Stopped upstairs for an hour just to calm down. Came downstairs to apologise for what I said. She said "don't bother. You've showed me up in front of my friend. How dare you do that. One more and you can go cos it's making me ill".

She then said to me again about what I'm going to make for tea. I just said I wasn't hungry to which she replied "Fine. I'll do my own then. You can starve".

The rest of the night was spent with her sitting at her computer talking to this other guy and her playing on Yahoo Pool with him. At moments she would say to me to make her a drink.

There was nothing else until we went to bed (I got back up cos I couldn't sleep).
She said that the reason she talks to him a lot is because he makes her laugh and I'm out at work most of the time (I work shifts and so does she)
I try to spend as much time as I can with her when I'm not at work but that time is spent with her on her computer and me sitting on the setee. I try to do most of the things I need to when she's at work so I have free time when she's home.
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Denyer
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Post by Denyer »

If that's typical, bugger it. Not seeing any of the "nice person".
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Post by another tf fan »

God it couldn't be any more simple.

SHE IS F***ING USING YOU!

You give her money? Thas a stupid thing to do.

You clean and she bitches, you give her a ride and she bitches, you give her money and she bitches, you make food and drink for her and she bitches, then she has the nerve to yell at you for not cleaning and cooking and also says someone else makes her happy.

I said it before and I'll say it again: NO IFs ANDs or BUTs this girl will be f***ing the other guy just as soon as you give her a ride to his house.

You can invent reasons to stay or you can look at the clear evidence you have given to us and go.

Man up and leave. NOW! It ain't gonna get any better.
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Post by RID Scourge »

@Rook: Dude, she's really not treating you right at all. You've done all this stuff for her and she's acting like that?
Originally posted by Denyer
Two votes to ditch what may be a longterm relationship over a new hobby / fad they're talking about with someone a long distance away...


Honestly, I'd be even more upset if it were a long-term relationship, and she treated my feelings with such disregard. "Hobby" or no hobby, if she's talking about having sex with a member of the oposite sex, even if it's only "a bit of fun," I'd find it very hard to trust her from then on, especially if she persisted after I'd expressed discomfort with it.

Of course, I have a hard time trusting people, which hasn't been helped by a lot of people who have managed to totally screw me or just let me down after earning my trust. I do my best to forgive such things, but in spite of how much I love them, it's never the same with them.

I guess the bottom line is that I believe that if you love someone, and you know that a certain behavior is hurtfull to said person, then common sense would dictate that you shouldn't flaunt such behavior, and it would be best to either let said person go (if you simply must have cybersex with strangers online), or discontinue the behavior.

Certainly, a momentary lapse that leads to adultery would probably be painful, but forgiveable, with time, and something that I would be willing to work out, provided the relationship was a good one; pre-meditated behavior that leads to the continued hurting of ones significant other*, or continued exposure to situations that are known to cause infidelity are grounds for breakup.

*Even if there's no physical adultery in this situation, it's still emotionally damaging, and while there's some wear and tear in all relationships, the primary purpose is to build each other up, not continue in behavior that destroys the other's self-esteem.
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Post by Hound »

Originally posted by Rookwise
She is a nice person...
Are you sure you mean that?

You're meant to follow up a statement like that with examples of her good qualities, don't you think?

Unless there are moments a lot more pleasant than the recent one you described I'm not seeing why you're having problems on how to react. If you aren't happy being with her and from what you've said she's not happy being with you then I don't get why you don't end it. Unless there's a reason to stay, don't stay... :eyebrow:
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Denyer
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Post by Denyer »

Originally posted by another tf fan
Man up
Tact. Use. And no similar "grow a pair" metaphors.
Originally posted by RID Scourge
if she's talking about having sex with a member of the oposite sex
Talking about things they'd like to do? There isn't anything untoward about having a conversation about sex with someone who doesn't have similar genitals to you. Talking about things you'd like to do with/to the third party you're talking to -- yeah, a problem. Which of those was meant wasn't specified.
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RID Scourge
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Post by RID Scourge »

Ah. I was under the impression that it was "doing with/to," but I can see the other angle.

If it's a member of the same sex, that probably doesn't bode well for the relationship, either.
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Post by inflatable dalek »

You should all be single and alone like me.
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Knightdramon
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Post by Knightdramon »

Really not seeing any of this "nice person" quality in your descriptions.

To me, it seems like she's more in need of a butler than a boyfriend.
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Post by tahukanuva »

Originally posted by inflatable dalek
You should all be single and alone like me.


Do I count for nothing Dalek? What about last weekend, huh?


Erm, yes, she comes across as a bit of a bitch, which isn't "a nice person," if she refuses to work it out, or even quit talking about it to you, then leave. Like Scourge said, that's just twisting the knife. You've told her it makes you uncomfortable, she still talks to you about him, and after you cleaning the majority of the house while she's out with her friend, she has the nerve to call you a tw@t? It's not worth it, man.
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Post by Jaynz »

Rook, it sounds like that you're actually in the way of her real relationship - the guy she spends chatting with online. Your relationship's been over for awhile now, and she's just milking the 'comfort factor' for now.

Break up and kick her out.
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