![[The Transformers Archive - an international fan site]](/common/skin/cardbackwide/tfarchive.png)
“A definitive guide to combating the undead.”
This presentation is the first of many installments that will help you, the average human combat your everyday undead foe. This will be the first of, hopefully many, installments. So sit back and relax as you are about to read A definitive guide to combating the undead!
Part 1: Zombies
Howdy folks. This guide was created to help you, yes YOU to defeat the undead, in all their many forms. It will deal with such key information as:
- *Origins
*Appearance
*Weaknesses
*Favorite Color
*Special Powers
*Pants
*Zombie Invasions
As well as a list of things to do and not to do when confronted with this genus of the undead, therefore completely, 100% guaranteed to help you come out alive (not a guarantee)!! Lets get started shall we?
ORIGINS
Zombies pop up everywhere, much like the undead weeds which are constantly threatening my garden and those of my neighbors. Here are some if the most common causes of a zombie outbreak:
Evil Virus
Those whacky government/evil corporations’ scientists can think of nothing better to do in their spare time then make killer robots or even more killtacular killer viruses. When the scientist is happy with the killing power of his/her virus they will then place it in a test to make it look more science-y. Our scientist friend will then either have the test tube passed around until somebody drops it or place it somewhere where a bumbling janitor or lab assistant will certainly knock it off or otherwise break it, thus releasing a deadly zombie plague upon an unsuspecting city/town/world. Oh Umbrella Corp. you rascals!
Spooky Green Meteor
While asteroids and comets threaten global life with their destructive force, another smaller space rock also threatens our existence, or at least the existence of towns with a steady supply of chainsaws, flame throwers and shotguns. That’s right; it’s those pesky glow-y green meteors, which will certainly contain some kind of virus or alien. Ignore the fact that they should have burned up in the atmosphere or that any virus would be killed in the endless vacuum of space, because these evil rocks are out to turn your town of chainsaw wielding rednecks into rampaging zombies. Or else have them mauled one by one by a viscous alien.
Evil Sorcerer
If you’re an evil sorcerer and there are heroics afoot, it’s impossible to resist summoning a horde of undead warriors to do your evil bidding. They’re just so adorable!
APEARANCE
Zombies are easily recognized due to their disgusting smell, subhuman intelligence, violent nature and decaying features. While admittedly this description applies to most homeless people their lives aren’t going anywhere and you should feel free to massacre them with a chainsaw and shotgun in preparation for a real zombie attack.
DEFENSIVE ARSENAL
As everyone knows, when a zombie bites you, you become a zombie. But zombies have a much greater arsenal at their disposal, such as:
- *Walking forward slowly
*Swinging arms forward and missing/hitting other zombies
*Losing arms
*Getting shot in the head
*Casting a mystic fog spell (6 Damage + 3 Magic Damage)
*Falling over other zombies
*Breaking a hand through a barn door/boarded up window and flailing about it
*Moaning
HANDLING A ZOMBIE INVASION
Here are some handy hints when zombies start invading your neighborhood.
- *Always form a group of seven or more members to find shelter or defeat the zombie forces. This provides the basic zombie fighting unit. There’s two people to be needlessly slaughtered, two people to be bitten by zombies, one to go out in a blaze of self destructive glory and two to become romantically entangled and end up surviving the whole thing. You can add as many people as you want to the first two categories, but you should keep the last two low.
*When bitten by a zombie there are two courses of action you can take: If you are bitten by a zombie during a large scale attack then stay behind while other members of your group run away so you can light a bomb or something equally heroic. Or if you are bitten while running to a shelter and nobody finds out, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to inform your group that you will be trying to rip their faces of with your teeth within the hour. Instead, wait till just before you transform to allow your group to discover the bite wound and tell them then that ‘I can handle it’ or ‘It’s just a little bite’. The gang will mourn the loss for a few seconds and then blow your head off.
*When choosing a shelter, two favorite destinations are churches and barns. Both providing dozens of places for zombies to use their ‘smash arm through something and moan’ tactic. Also they each provide you with plenty of flimsy pretenses to leave to do some inane task, such as finding a generator or food. You won’t have to worry about finding weapons though, as each of the these locations will provide a myriad of zombie smiting weapons, such as shotguns.
*Make sure to allow a few hours waiting time for the zombies to catch up before you leave your shelter, as they move slightly slower than a tranquilized slug.
Well, that’s all for this installment! Next time we will be studying the mysterious vampire.
This has been a Temp.INC installment.
