1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

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Cliffjumper
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1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by Cliffjumper »

1 You're Simon Bodger
2 You type "lol" more than once a month
3 You use the phrase "they were good before they sold out" when talking about a band
4 You smoke ultra cigarettes
5 You think having a pushchair in a town centre gives you the right to not only run over people, but scowl at them afterwards like it's they're fault
6 You think the Junkions are funny
7 You think cartoon Grimlock is funny
8 You're Chris Claremont
9 You think you own someone else's work because you scanned/screencapped/ripped it
10 You don't worship Konnie Huq
11 You'd choose Danni over Kylie
12 You own a Linkin Park/Limp Bizkit hoody
13 You're incapable of putting your card in the Chip & Pin machine yourself, despite the fact it has a ****ing drawing of someone using the chip and pin machine on the front, you stupid tosspot.
14 You try to add your own crap ones to this list while I'm at work

987 more to come...
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Halfshell
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Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by Halfshell »

Originally posted by Cliffjumper
11 You'd choose Danni over Kylie


And I'd do it again, damn yous!

I have to go the entire weekend without being negative in public. Somebody's going to end up dead.
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Cyberstrike nTo
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Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by Cyberstrike nTo »

Originally posted by Cliffjumper
8 You're Chris Claremont



I thought this would be number 1. :p :p
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Lord Zarak
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Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by Lord Zarak »

Originally posted by Cliffjumper

10 You don't worship Konnie Huq
11 You'd choose Danni over Kylie


No, I dont.

And yes, I would.
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Hawkeye
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Post by Hawkeye »

what the **** is a chip and pin machine? nevertheless I wish I could bottle up the english and sell it you guys are bloody hilarious.*





* yes every single english person!
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the_escaflowne_2k
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Post by the_escaflowne_2k »

Originally posted by Hawkeye
what the **** is a chip and pin machine?


New fangled credit/debit card thing, 'stead o' swiping your card and signing you insert it into a reader and enter your PIN number.

Oh and Danni >> Kylie.

For number 5 can we add old people in mobile buggy's o' doom.

For a totally new one :
15) People who shop every week in the same store yet still have to ask were the ****ing - insert repeated food good here- is, and insist that " you keep on moving them" when they've not movedin 10 months.

16)Shoplifters who get annoyed with you when you follow them around.

17) Oh and all the natives of Hull.

18) You think that just because you've watched Amelie and Lost In Translation you have much better film taste then everyone and your of the belief that all hollywood films are automatically crap.

19) You own a Westlife cd.
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RID Scourge
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Post by RID Scourge »

Hmmm . . . I would have thought that the number one sign that you're a wanker would have been "You're wanking right now," or some other such reference to wanking.
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Jetfire
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Post by Jetfire »

I think this thread has been wrongly named.

It should be called 1001 definitive signs you're not Cliffy ;)
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Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by Hound »

Originally posted by Cliffjumper
14 You try to add your own crap ones to this list while I'm at work

the_escaflowne_2k's a wanker...

I love how you can always tell what's pissed off Cliffy most recently.

Who thinks it'd be funny if I edited all of Cliffy's angry ranting threads so that they were happy and cheery?
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Post by Cliffjumper »

Actual 15 You go around saying "I have proof, well, I can't remember it, bt it's still proof!"
Actual 16 When asked thoughts about an artist/album, you repeat the Q review. Verbatim.
Actual 17 You think you can do a Homer Simpson impression. Trust me, you can't. Why does every tosser think they sound like Homer Simpson by going "Mmmm, donuts"?
Actual 18 You like that bit in Prophecy Girl. You know the bit.
Actual 19 You confuse the literal and insulting uses of a word. There was this tosspot in my secondary who thought it was incredibly clever to say "I can't be, I have a father" whenever you called him a bastard. Thankfully, people just took to smacking the ****er in the mouth. Where's your Oscar Wilde now, bitch?
20 You're sad enough to collect toys and keep them sealed.
21 You assumed these would be in some sort of order, rather than all being massive crimes against real people.
22 You play on CM as the biggest, richest, best team. What the Hell's that meant to achieve? "Oh, I can win the league with one of the teams that's dominated it for the past decade after spending £50m on the finest players in the world" Oooh, skillful.
23 You're a student who moans about being broke when you spend all 140 hours a week you're not waiting for the end of a lecture buying expensive flavoured vodka drinks or phoning Pizza Hut.
24 You use your Live & Kicking memories to try and pass yourself off as an expert to your gullible mates when watching X-Men 2 on video. "Of course, Colossus was never in it much, so that's a really good hardcore fan reference"/"They should have stuck with the original Cyclops/Wolverine/Rogue/Storm/Jubilee/Beast/Jean Grey/Gambit line-up" etc.
25 You really think Tom Hanks is a great actor. No, Big and Dragnet aren't exceptions, they're just better scripts. He's still ****ing Forest Gump in them. I don't care how realistic the battle sequences were, it's still Forest Goes to Normandy in the end.
26 You claim to have been watching whatever show's suddenly the cutting edge this week "since the start, when it was much better". If everyone who's claimed this with, say, Spaced, was telling the truth, it'd make Fools and Horses look like Celebrity Wrestling.
27 You cheer when watching a film at the cinema, or offer other Jerry Springer-esque 'interaction' - "Go girlfriend"/"Oh man, he's for it now"/"What a a-hole" etc, etc.
28 You think Paul Darrow was bad in "Timelash"
29 You actually think Anne Robinson's character in The Weakest Link is in any way nasty, and not an obviously stilted, manufactured gimmick you fall for like the gullible loser you are.
30 You laughed, or even smiled, at any point in the Scary Movie series.

14 still applies, kids...

971 to go...
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Re: Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by RID Scourge »

Originally posted by Hound
Who thinks it'd be funny if I edited all of Cliffy's angry ranting threads so that they were happy and cheery?


I would pay money to see that. :lol:
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Re: Re: Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by Cliffjumper »

Originally posted by RID Scourge
I would pay money to see that. :lol:


I'd pay money to see 99% of your posts edited so they were interesting.
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Re: Re: Re: Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by Jaynz »

Originally posted by Cliffjumper
I'd pay money to see 99% of your posts edited so they were interesting.


Be back for more in 28 days, folks. You could call it a 'periodic cycle' or something. :P
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Zisteau
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Post by Zisteau »

Since I'm already a wanker by Cliffy's definition anyway....

might as well qualify for 14 too.


31) You spend your time online typing out a list of what pisses you off.
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Chromia
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Post by Chromia »

Hmmm, what does it mean if I can say yes to three or more?


:laugh:
Cliffjumper
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Post by Cliffjumper »

Originally posted by Zisteau


31) You spend your time online typing out a list of what pisses you off.


God yeh, that whole four minutes. Because you only get 24 hours in a day. How ****ing wasteful of me. I could be typing genius like that instead, couldn't I, Whit E. Rejoinder?
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Grandmaster Shockwaeve
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Post by Grandmaster Shockwaeve »

Originally posted by Cliffjumper:
971 to go...


Meh, you should have kept the written list to just 15. People are a lot easier to deal with when you just have a nagging in the back of your mind, rather than being consciously aware that they're wankers. The more you think about it, the more depressing it becomes...

That said, and number 14 notwithstanding, I would have rounded it off with a

15 You have ever claimed to "call it like you see it."
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Post by Hawkeye »

come on now no one should be dumping on cliffy for this its all in good fun. its not like this isnt supposed to have a humorous slant.

sealed toys? yeah i hate that.
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Post by BigMaki »

Got to agree with #30.
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Re: Re: Re: Re: 1001 definitive signs you're a wanker

Post by RID Scourge »

Originally posted by Cliffjumper
I'd pay money to see 99% of your posts edited so they were interesting.


Love you, too, sweetie. ;)

Yeah, so any mod, who can make 9460 of my posts interesting gets a generous cut of Cliffy's fee. :p
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