CUTTING THOUGH THE CHAFF TO PRESENT THE NEWS FOR THE IMPATIENT TRANSFORMERS FAN!
M: "F@NBOYS WERE RIGHT"
Murphy, producer of forthcoming Transformers film
Don Murphy's The Transformers WORST MOVIE EVAR1, has performed a remarkable U-turn. During an interview with 'Take-a-Break', Murphy admits that f@nboys on the intraweb do actually have a better idea of what the film needs to be like than he does. "I was just reading the intraweb, and there's all these people calling the film a diabolical mess on the basis of a few working character names. I mean, these people obviously have very special abilities to be able to analyse the whole production on this information, and I think I should listen to them".
In response to this, he has issued the following plot teaser: - "The story takes place soon after the end of 'The Rebirth'. Everyone who appears from the second half of the Movie onwards suddenly dies because they suck, and Galvatron decides to turn back into Megatron. The film then proceeds to decipher various cosmic mysteries, such as where Sunstreaker and the others were, and why the 'Arialbots' [I'm not really too sure who these guys are?] weren't at Autobot City, and whether Shockwave is dead, and whether the Autobots can fly or not. We will also be asking every single member of the original voice cast to return, with Corey Burton to play Spike. Of course, this won't be just some self-indulgent nostalgia trip, and we've consulted the online fan community about the soundtrack, which will be Linkin Park's "Hybrid Theory", played three times over. I've also been examining how IDW comics have pulled the wool over your eyes, and I must add that I also am not P*t L**."
Of course, not all treated this announcement with unreserved joy. Several older fans have formed Crusty Old ATT-Ers For Beast Wars, a movement intended to bring about a BW Transformers movie. An unnamed spokesman for the faction last night claimed that "Beast Wars was a masterpiece because Bob and Larry used to put in references to us. This Trukk Not Munky movie will be a sham, because it will show that lots of people really like Transformers, which will take us far from being an exclusive little clique."
SIMON FURMAN 1951-1996
top-secret source, who wished only to be known as "Geoff S",
has blown the lid off one of the darkest conspiracies in Transformers
history, exclusively to WWT. The truth is that Simon Furman, writer
of the Transformers comic from 1927 to 1994, was killed two years
later by Stan Lee. Over to the mysterious "G. Senior", who
takes up the story. "Basically, Stan was getting sick of Simon's
single-handed attempt to get every Marvel comic ever cancelled, so
he locked him in a room with Amazing Fantasy #15. We never
found his eyeballs." So, why the deceit? "Basically, Andy
[Wildman] needed someone to hold his hand at conventions, so we built
this android using Simon's personality. Sadly, he was programmed on
a Spectrum ZX, so things sometimes take ages to load, then fail and
it just repeats the process from the start again." A problem
came up, however, when P*t L** contacted Furman to write Transformers:
State Games The War Within. "Basically, Simon was the
only person in the world who knew what Transformers was. So they contacted
him, and we had to keep up the lie, otherwise the fans would stop
coughing up for expenses. We tried to reprogram the Furmanbot to produce
new scripts, but it just kept producing the same material again and
again. Thankfully, Dreamwave thought the whole idea was simply to
take other people's comics, so they were cool with it." So why
break the silence? "Basically, the Furmanbot's broken down. Plucky
Little IDW have been receiving blank pages and using them as script
for 'Infiltration', and I think it's time this sham was stopped. That
and I believe I'm the only person to have not drawn a cover for them
yet, and as they let Wildman do one, and everybody knows I'm better
than him as I worked on less of Pan!n!'s Armada comic.", our
source sniped, effortlessly pronouncing a brace of exclamation marks.
MACHINE WARS 10th ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
Following the stupendous success of the Beast Wars 10th anniversary line, which crept into the Top 20 Selling Transformers Lines of the week on Sunday when the manager of Zapow! Comics! in Arbitrary, TX forgot to order any Attacktix on the Monday before, Hasbro have announced they will be producing a line to commemorate the successful Machine Wars toys later this year. Their diligent lackey Aaron Archer gave the following tantalising hints about the line: "We will be producing commemorative figures for the line, and hope to find the resources to pick six characters from each faction. Sadly, costs mean we're going to have to use the same mould a couple of times, probably making four for the Basic price point and reusing them."
In unconnected news, Hasbro have purchased four warehouses of remaindered original MW toys. According the diligent lackey Archer "We're simply preserving the aftermarket value of the toys or something. Do not look behind the curtain!".
LATEST TF COLLECTION REISSUE!
TakaraTomy Toy Concern have admitted that their TF Collection reissue series isn't dead, nosiree, despite their best efforts (Kup 'n' Wheelie). The non-profit company, who exist entirely to furnish f@nboys with expensive boxes covered in lettering they don't understand, have unveiled their latest attempt to get the Transformers line cancelled. Their previous attempt was the spectacular backfiring of the Binaltech Kiss line (intention: to make f@nboys vomit; actuality: gave f@nboys masturbation totems); they hope to be more successful by naming Ironhide as their next reissue.
To circumvent that he looks nothing like he did on TV, TakaraTomy Toy Concern have branded the monstrosity "Super Movie Ironhide". This is an attempt to pass off the figure's headless appearance as a side-effect of Megatron shooting everyone's favourite Redneck Van Who Was In Season One And Was Called Ironhide bang in the face in one of the film's most consistently heart-warming scenes.
eHobby have announced they will be producing a Premium to go with the figure - Battle Damage Dion, who will combine the classic Ironhide mould with Dion from Season 2's "War Dawn"'s colour scheme. Their diligent lackey Hirofumi Ichikawa babbled "The toy will cement the origin of Ironhide as being Dion, and represent him as he would have looked if he had Ironhide's body and Megatron had shot him in the face as in the movie".
*BotCon have announced their con exclusives for the summer... ahh, scr3w it, nobody cares, do they?*