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Up your butt Bay. Up your butt with a cocconut.

WWT has been hearing a lot of people talking a lot of, if you’ll excuse our French, le guff about the success of Michael Bay’s The Transformers, A Michael Bay Film, Directed by Michael Bay. As True Fans, WWT are in no doubt that a Transformers film that didn’t follow cartoon continuity (of course there was a continuity! Hirofumi Ichikawa explained every single perceived error through the medium of premium Japanese exclusives!!!) couldn’t possibly do better than a film that is utterly incomprehensible without working knowledge of a kids’ TV show. So we’ve done some investigating.

The box office for Not Real Transformers stands at $312,051,000 – these figures obviously have yet to take into account that every single person who saw it is currently in the process of writing to Paramount, demanding a refund on the grounds that Barricade’s characterisation is nothing like it was in the Micromasters comics, and thus they feel like their childhood has been raped. But in the interests of giving the unsuccessful travesty a chance, we’ll let that stand. Now, the classic Transformers film, the one with a proper name rather than some generic title – Transformers the Movie – took $57.87 on its’ all-conquering box-office run. Now, while in absolute terms the new film is just ahead, but what these figures fail to take into account is inflation, adjusted dollars and stuff like that - in 1986, a cinema ticket cost just $0.0000000643, meaning 9 billion people went to see it. Compare this to the present day cost around $16.4m, meaning 19 people have seen the new film (WWT isn’t one of them; we knew it was bad when we read on the intraweb Prime would have flames and Megatron wouldn’t be a gun). And they’re all asking for their money back.

Further evidence is provided by DVD sales. TF:TM has been so popular that 417 different DVD editions have been issued, with combined sales of 421 units. To date, the new film has failed to sell a single disc at retail.


A fanboy, a week WednesdayTrue Fans everywhere have been scalding in their dismissal of Hasbro’s forthcoming Animated line. The line has come under attack for its’ “Stupid American stylisation”. Fans everywhere have demanded a return to the classic “Anime” style of Armergtron, with chibis, superimposed beads of sweat and characters calling out their attacks like they’re on some sort of crazy drugs binge.

Criticism has also been levelled at characters like the Dinobots (a group of slow-witted Transformers that turn into dinosaurs) taking up space, and thus sidelining fan favourites such as Mudflap and Shortround.

Likewise, the toys have been attacked as “childish” and “like something from a kids’ toyline”, drawing negative comparisons with the likes of the Legends of Cybertron and the realistic, well-realised proportions of figures such a Backstop and Thunderblast.

Many believe this failure to take into account the key demographic of fat 30-somethings who spend all day in their mothers’ basements, masturbating over sealed toys and bitching about the line on the internet, thus leading to the total financial ruin of Transformers, Hasbro and the entire Western world. One True Fan, Ken Campbell, has even gone to the extreme length of setting up an online petition, “Animated Can Just **** Right Off”. He had this to say about his efforts: -

“Why do Hasbro want to try for the childrens’ market? We, the True Fans, put the line where it is today by buying a fraction of the thousands of toys sold during the 1980s, and therefore Transformers is our intellectual property. Any Johnny-come-latelies who like the toys but weren’t at least 18, and thus old enough to appreciate the skilful craftsmanship of Brawn or the deep meaning of “Fire in the Sky”, in 1984 shouldn’t be catered for. Hasbro have produced fan-orientated lines like Alternators, Titaniums and the Commemorative series that have enjoyed consistently excellent sales. Why change now? Kids have never been interested in Transformers, and they never will be.”

Well, we expect he’d have said something like that. When we called to interview him, there was a rather pungent smell coming from the basement and he seemed to have a Scattershot toy poking out from his branded Optimus Prime boxers, so we scarpered and just made stuff up instead.


Medic IronhideTakaraTomy Toy Concern CEO Hankoki Lincolnori has announced the exclusive eHobby premium figures that will be released alongside his company’s Encore (Japanese for “Yet a-bloody-gain”) reissue series. Speaking from the company’s Texas HQ, Lincolnori proudly unveiled his shiny exclusives to WWT. Once we’d sorted those for him, he agreed to show us the eHobby figures. Sadly, the failure of Super Happy Tentacle Preteen Hentai Girl Rape Players to stand out amongst four thousand other Japanese ‘pre-pubescent girls get raped by tentacles and have robot friends’ toylines (Lincolnori has blamed “that whole paedophilia thing going on here, I mean in the West”) has meant some budgetary cutbacks. The figures will be as follows:

Geewun Prime: A faithful rendition of Convoy with an eye on the Western market – the stickers on the sides of the trailer will be modified to read “Geewun roxx and kicks ASS!!!” and “TRUKK NOT MUNKY”.

Super Megatron: A stunning take on the non-toy Battlestars character. Sadly, retooling the Megatron toy proved costly. While Super Megatron will outwardly look exactly the same as Megatron, the gimmick is you can fly him around in robot mode while shouting “SUPA MEGA TRON!!!” in an excitable cod-Japanese voice.

Warrior RatchetCassetteman: A nostalgic recreation of Soundwave’s pre-Transformer forerunner. Sadly, due to a group of Hasbro employees getting drunk, chartering a plane and setting out for Takara HQ, where they purposefully destroyed all the really good G1 moulds like Sunstreaker and Groove, the original chest piece cannot be recreated in its’ original raised plastic, so they’re probably just going to grab a bunch of Soundwaves and write on them with paint markers while not bothering to put the Decepticon stickers in.

Medic Ironhide: In this toy inspired by the G1 episode “The Return of Optimus Prime”, Ironhide undertakes a new role. With Ratchet having died in TF:TM, Ironhide has to take on the role of medic in the Autobot forces. To achieve this means, he scans an Earth vehicle and takes on a new alt mode – a Onebox ambulance – represented in this new toy. The fan-written biography for the toy also reveals that Ironhide gains some shape-changing powers, and being a delicate flower, chooses to turn into a Quintesson for the episode in question. Obviously, the toy doesn’t do that, but it’s place in the G1 mythos is assured.

Warrior Ratchet: In this toy inspired by the G1 episode “The Return of Optimus Prime”, Ratchet undertakes a new role. With Ironhide having died in TF:TM, Ratchet has to take on the role of being the stupid one who stands in the background and looks dim in the Autobot ranks. To achieve this means, he scans an Earth vehicle and takes on a new alt mode – a Onebox minivan – represented in this new toy. The fan-written biography for the toy also reveals that Ratchet gains some shape-changing powers, and being a delicate flower, chooses to turn into Blurr for the episode in question. Obviously, the toy doesn’t do that, but it’s place in the G1 mythos is assured.

All toys will be adorned with rather dated Dreamwave artwork.

- In a shock move, 3H have leaked the script for the unproduced Wreckers #4 comic. Admittedly, most of the shock comes from the discovery that the series actually had scripts – Megatron: Origin artist Alex Milne has been hospitalised with a broken nose after his comedy landlord, Superstar “Pat” Lee, told him if his hand was bigger than his face, he had cancer. When Milne tested this theory, Lee slammed the heroic freelancer’s palm into his face – In a novel move, Hasbro have packed in a free Chevrolet with the new Swerve figure; however, some fans have attacked the cynicism of Chevrolet, who have made sure numerous variants of the car have been included in the offer, thus forcing completists to buy dozens of Swerve figures – And the villain for Transformers 2 has been announced as the original cel-animated Megatron, voiced by Frank Welker. Nah, obviously we’re joking, that would suck -

DISCLAIMER: In the course of front-line journalism, mistakes are sometimes made. Therefore, despite the best efforts of the WWT staff, some facts may have sneaked into this baseless rumour column.


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