Post
by slartibartfast » Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:41 pm
good good good
Your timing is excellent. I really like the way you explain things after you've said them. More than once I re-read a passage out of confusion only to find the answer in the next sentence, but it never gets frustrating. nicely done.
On top of that, the layout and the way you handle parallel intrigues are most gracefully done and neatly woven.
I do get the impression that you could gain from asserting yourself more. It shows more in the opening paragraphs than when you get into the swing of things, but there are an awful lot of "perhaps" and "possiblies" which go against your credibility, especially when you're talking about the council of the wisest and most influencial transformers on cybertron...
I sometimes felt you were holding back at various points. Taking some flights of fancy would fatten up the story and give the reader something to chew on. A phat beat, like.
Technically... I mean, in a technical sense, it's really, really good. I feel you should be a bit bolder in your assertions, but that should come naturally given time. Just allow your self to drown in the azur waters of litturature, embrace the rapture of newborn language, lovingly play in the ether of words, make love to... [that's quite enough -ed]
... wha ?.. erm... I need some coffee.
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