I am the best bastard in the world!

Cliffjumper · Post by **Cliffjumper** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:25 pm

At the shop I work at, there's a little old lady (of the nosy old senile cow variety, rather than the sweet variety). We've just had this new alarm system fitted, which has a habit of setting itself at random intervals during the day, then registering our staff and customers as intruders, with noisy results. Such a thing happened today, and we had the usual dumb customer comments ("Is that your alarm going off?" "No, we're having a rave, you ****ing ****" I hate the way customers always state the bloody obvious like it's an amazing insight. It's worse when it snows, because we get every idiot coming in going "Wow, it's snowing out there". Yeh, we know, the glass in the doors is transparent, and even if it wasn't they opened when you came in with TEH GOSS and trudged the ****ing stuff all over the floor), this woman waddled down. I am, by this point, totally out of patience with the world at large.

HER: Is your alarm going off?
ME: No, don't think so *cups hands*. I can't hear anything anyway.
HER: But I can hear this ringing sound.
ME: I can't hear anything...
HER: Are you sure?
ME: Yeh, I'd know about it if our alarm was going off, there'd be a lot of noise.
HER: Oh.
ME: You might want to call the doctor, you could have tinnitus or something.
HER: Yes, I'd best do that.

At which point she waddled back off, looking terrified. God, I hope she made an appointment before we shut the thing off half an hour later.

Halfshell · Post by **Halfshell** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:33 pm

You utter, utter ****.

Post by **inflatable dalek** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:33 pm

That is cruel. But genius. Personally I'd have just snaped her neck, kinder in the long run. And Tesco allow it as long as thye've paid for any shoping first...

ravimus prime · Post by **ravimus prime** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:45 pm

Why not be a bastard to the elderly, they can't contribute to society.

Post by **inflatable dalek** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:49 pm

Originally posted by ravimus prime
Why not be a bastard to the elderly, they can't contribute to society.

There are many ways they can contribute, such as say, Winter fuel...

Lord Zarak · Post by **Lord Zarak** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 7:25 pm

Just think, their pension money being used for something useful.

Aardvark · Post by **Aardvark** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 8:38 pm

Like a place for quick and easy disposel of the elderly

Chromia · Post by **Chromia** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:11 pm

Awesome Cliffy....

Sixswitch · Post by **Sixswitch** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:26 pm

How can I answer this without sounding like a suckup?

Erm...

I thought it was funny.

There, I think that's underwhelming enough.

-Ss

Post by **Sades** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:08 am

funny in theory but yeah, that makes you a bastard.

optihut · Post by **optihut** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 12:29 pm

I am just going to wait 40-50 years and have my children / grandchilden pull pranks on you guys :P

Cliffjumper · Post by **Cliffjumper** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:36 pm

Like I'll live for 40-50 years...

We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
We've got five years, that's all we've got

Originally posted by saysadie
that makes you a bastard.

C'mon, was there ever really any doubt?

EDIT: I don't have a brain tumour or anything, I just reckon if I get to 30 I'm doing well. I'm optimistic about my lifespan

optihut · Post by **optihut** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:01 pm

Ack, the dreaded 30 is quickly approaching for me... Yet, I want to make it to 100 at least.

Post by **Sades** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 7:46 pm

Originally posted by Cliffjumper
C'mon, was there ever really any doubt?

Well, no, and you admit it yourself.

I'm just agreeing with you.

Cliffjumper · Post by **Cliffjumper** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:19 pm

Originally posted by saysadie
I'm just agreeing with you.

I knew that.

You're not my real dad, you can't tell me what to do!

Chromia · Post by **Chromia** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 1:51 am

Originally posted by optihut
Ack, the dreaded 30 is quickly approaching for me... Yet, I want to make it to 100 at least.

Oh....that old, huh?:D

Wildfire Herald · Post by **Wildfire Herald** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 2:19 am

Hahahaha, that is the greatest story I've heard in awhile.

Hawkeye · Post by **Hawkeye** » Thu Mar 02, 2006 2:12 am

see! the english are alwas hilarious.....now do that thing where the armored knight comes on screen and hits the guy with a rubber chicken,

Post by **inflatable dalek** » Thu Mar 02, 2006 1:21 pm

Originally posted by Hawkeye
[Bnow do that thing where the armored knight comes on screen and hits the guy with a rubber chicken, [/B]

I don't know what porn you've been watching but we very rarely involve rubber chickens in our plain brown bag pleasures.

Wildfire Herald · Post by **Wildfire Herald** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:52 am

Originally posted by inflatable dalek
I don't know what porn you've been watching but we very rarely involve rubber chickens in our plain brown bag pleasures.

Besides, it was a REAL chicken, not a rubber one. Even I know that and I'm not even British!