[FICTION] Old, unfinished TF:TM parody...

[Denyer]

This is a deliberate send-up of the odder adult Transformers fanfic you find on the net, and contains mature humour and a certain amount of smut. Please do not read if you lack a sense of humour, or are under 18. Yes, I am aware that there's a very thin line between parody and the thing being parodied...

(It's also been in hibernation since 2001. Don't expect a completion any time soon. That's not a request for co-writers, ta...)

* * *

Voice over: It is the year 2005, the Decepticons have conquered Cybertron and the Autobots have retired to its moons to smoke dried energon-leaves, get jiggy with it and drown their sorrows in hydrochloric acid drunk from brown paper bags. Both sides are quietly content with this state of affairs.

Laserbeak is being used as a paper-weight on Prime's desk. In condor mode.
Optimus: Ironhide, report to me at... once? Ahn-hide?
Ironhide: (he tears his eyes away from a monitor) Huh? So... we still haven't ahttacked the Decepticahns?
Optimus: No thanks to you. I don't know why I made you security chief. All you do is install hidden cameras in the female Autobots' quarters. Get out there and make yourself useful; pick up that energon I absent-mindedly left on Earth...
Ironhide: Yurh days ahre numbered nawh, Decepticreehps!
Optimus: ...and spit that cotton wool out... (turns to screen) Jazz! Report security status!
Jazz: Huh? There's no signs of Decepticons in Elita's shower unit, Pr-- I mean, uh-- I mean--
Optimus: Is ANYONE watching our perimeter? A giant monster planet could fly in here undetected... (Laserbeak sniggers) ...and YOU can shut it, feathers!
Jazz: Uh, I'll patch you through to Moonbase #2!
Bumblebee and Spike replace Jazz on the screen. Bumblebee is chained to a console; Spike is brandishing an electro-whip.
Optimus: I'm trying to send out a shuttle... (looks up) any Decepticons in your ar..s...
Bumblebee and Spike notice Optimus. Optimus cradles his head in his hands.
Bumblebee: Uh...
Spike: Tell my son Daniel that if he sticks to robo-S&M instead of women, he'll never have to move to a barren metal planetoid to get away from whiny brats!
Ironhide: Ah'll do better than thaht... ah'll tread ahn him...
Optimus: Cliffjumper! Get them all out of my sight!
Cliffjumper: 5... 4...... 3......... 2............ (deliberately) now, what comes next?
Optimus: Press the damned button already! (the shuttle takes off) Now, all we need... is a miracle.

Shockwave: Laserbeak returns, Megatron.
Megatron: Welcome, Laserbeak. Unlike most of my other warriors YOU maintain a thriving porn empire in your spare time. I like you. Soundwave, let's see what we've got.
Soundwave: Yesss massster. (the room goes dark as mood music begins playing)
Elita: Ohhh, OHHH!.. Optimus... yes... yes, YES!
Ironhide: (muffled) So, ah shouhd go an' fetch moar enerjahn?
Optimus: I don't care if you die in a Decepticon ambush! Spit out that rubber ball and get out of my quarters! (Ironhide leaves) Now... all I need, my dear... is a little WD40, and my fender will glide right up your exhaust pip--
Megatron: What happened?
Laserbeak: Only first five minutes free... no subscription, no show.
Megatron: Screw you! I'm cutting out the middle man! We attack NOW!

Decepticons burst into the Autobot shuttle.
Brawn: Megatron!
Ironhide looks up from between Brawn's knees.
Megatron: AUTOBOTS! SURRENDER YOUR PORN, OR PREPARE TO DIE!
Ironhide: Nehver!
Megatron: And don't talk to me with your mouth full!
The hormone-crazed Deceptions quickly overwhelm the Autobots.
Megatron: This was almost too easy, Starscream!
Starscream: Much easier, mighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat: Pimp Daddy Convoy!
Megatron: You're an idiot, Starscream... if we show up at Autobot City and stuff some cotton wool in our mouths, the Autobots will load us up with energon and the best movies this side of Alpha Centauri!
Ironhide: Youhre naht steahlin' mah pawhn...
Megatron: We're Decepticons! With guns! And we take what we want by force!
Ironhide: (grins) Wehll, ihf yah put it laikh thaht...
Megatron: I told you not to talk to me with your mouth full! Be careful with those teeth!
He shoots Ironhide in the head. No-one can really tell the difference.

Cut to Earth.
Hot Rod: Fish are jumping today huh Danno?
Daniel: (irritably) What are you babbling about now?
Hot Rod: Hey, what's the matter?
Daniel: (growls) I need a f-cking hit... (his voice softens) ...aw, I dunno, Hot Rod...
Hot Rod: Come on, you can tell me. We tell each other everything, yeah? But you mustn't tell anyone else...
Daniel: Guess I just... uh, miss my dad. Yeah, that's it... I miss my dad. I don't do drugs.
Hot Rod: Yeah, well, I miss Arcee. Although before she left me for Springer I think I caught something... hey, a fish!
Daniel: Woah, look at the size of it...
Hot Rod: Yep, it's a whopper alright. But if you think it's big now, wait until Arce-- oh, you mean the fish?
Daniel's back pocket starts to beep. He fishes out a pager.
Daniel: Hot Rod, the shuttle's coming--
Hot Rod: (mumbles) ...well, I'm glad someone or something is...
Daniel: --let's watch it land!
Hot Rod: Bah.
Daniel straddles a hover bike, kicks the accelerator, and is promptly flung up into the air and caught by Hot Rod, who transforms.
Hot Rod: If you're gonna ride, Danno, ride me!
Daniel: Hey, what's your gear-stick doing?
Hot Rod: Why settle for a peek, Daniel, when you can see everything as soon as we get to Lookout Mountain? ...we've got lots of time before the shuttle lands...
They drive. Cut to half-way up the mountain.
Kup: A little to the left... a little bit more... ooohhh, that feels good...
Huffer: Are we going to get this road-block into position or not?
Kup: Position? I could lean over it if you want...
Hot Rod drives by and toots his horn.
Kup: Turbo-revvin' young punk! I'll straighten you up one day, and you won't be able to transform for a week!
Hot Rod and Daniel make it to the observation post. Daniel leans forward to the binoculars.
Daniel: Hot Rod look! There's a hole in the shuttle.
Hot Rod: Some holes are meant to be bigger than others, Danno. (looks closer) Aw, shoot, we're under attack!

Cut to Autobot City, under attack.
Perceptor: Ultra Magnus, a cursory evaluation of Decepticon resolution indicates a distinct testicular deficiency.
Magnus: In other words, Perceptor?
Springer: You haven't got the stones to be a leader...
Magnus: (ignoring him) Springer, you and Arcee transform Autobot city; that's not an excuse to find a quiet corner and make out. Perceptor, tell Blaster to radio Prime and see if he has a window in his schedule.
Blurr: WhatAboutMeMagnus,WhatAboutMe?MmmmHuh?MmmmHuh?
ICanHelp,IWannaHelp,WhatAboutMe?
Magnus: Blurr, you can wear this padded white jacket with sleeves that tie behind the neck.
Blurr: AbsolutelyPositivelyDefinitely,NobodyCanGetAJokeFasterThanICan,NobodyNobodyNobo--
Magnus hog-ties and gags Blurr.
Springer: Come on Arcee, let's go!
Arcee: But Hot Rod and Kup are still outside the city.
Springer: I can't wait... and besides, why can't it just be the two of us for a change?..

Perceptor dashes in to the Autobot City communications tower.
Blaster: Look out and shout, owww! Hey Perceptor, what's shakin', other than your hot booty?
Perceptor: Blaster, Ultra Magnus is a whiny biatch, and wants you to contact Optimus Prime on Moonbase #1 to come and bail us out. Again.
Blaster: (removing his headphones) What? We're under attack, mac?
Perceptor nods.
Blaster: Alright... cover your receptors Perceptor. (he transforms) Optimus Prime, do you read me, Magnus is getting us screwed again, our sweet cheeks are really taking a pounding, don't know how much more tape we have left in the 'corder... (mutters) ...if that doesn't get his attention, nothing will...
Megatron notices the broadcast.
Megatron: Soundwave, jam that transmission.
Blaster: (echo) ...our sweet cheeks are really taking a poundin--
Soundwave: (fumbles with his fly) Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Ratbat... eject... operation: raspberry!..
Rumble: Eject? Where? Let's moiderise him!
The cassettes rip off the aerial and spray-paint humorous slogans on the tower wall.
Soundwave: It's not their fault, Megatron... if we'd stayed together, they would have had role models.
Megatron: (stunned) You... you never said...
The cassettes attack the tower windows.
Frenzy: First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside.
Perceptor: I don't like the sound of that.
Blaster: No way, two can play...
He fumbles with his fly... Rewind, Eject, Ramhorn, and Steeljaw eject and jump on top of Perceptor as well.
Perceptor: Aaarrrggghhh!
The tapes get bored and start setting fire to the furniture, sniffing energon sealant and rubbing up against one another.
Blaster: It's not their fault, Perceptor... if we'd stayed together, they would have had role models.
Perceptor: (stunned) Aaannnyyy-way... do you think you got through to Prime?..
Blaster: (shaking his head) Well, let's hope so. 'Cause if I didn't, none of us are gonna be able to transform for WEEKS.

Cut to Springer pushing a launcher into position.
Springer: Come on Arcee, we gotta get this launcher into place, Megatron's making his big push, and we gotta push back.
Arcee: Isn't there an easier way than with me leaning against the launcher, and you pushing against me?
Kup, Hot Rod and Daniel rush in.
Kup: Keep at it Springer my boy, help's at hand... Together now.
Arcee: I was afraid you'd be killed outside the city... you know I'd never leave you? I need more than just one 'bot to feel truly filled-- uh, FULfilled...
Hot Rod: Hey, I wasn't worried for a microsecond!
Arcee: Then you probably didn't understand me when I told you to fu-- OOOOOHHH, YESSS!
Kup: (exhausted) That did it. You young-uns have no stamina...

Cut to outside.
Megatron: Constructicons, merge for the kill.
Daniel: Kup, Hot Rod... tell me this is just a bad tri-- uh, that I'm dreaming...
Kup: Devastator... (rubbing his eyes) ..in a tutu?!
Devastator: Prepare for extermination! Lalalalala...
Springer: I got better things to do tonight than die! (he glares at Hot Rod) ...Arcee, for instance.

The battles rages.
Megatron: Their defenses are broken, let the slaughter begin.
Optimus: Dinobots, devastate Devastator.
Grimlock: You Optimus speak funny... smell funny too. But pay gooder. So... we fight.
The Dinobots and Constructicons battle to a standstill.

Optimus: Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost.
He breezes through the Decepticon ranks.
Megatron: Prime!
Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall.
Megatron: There's no Viagra on Moonbase #1?
Optimus: That's... (tries to think of a comeback) ...uh, a question you should ask yourself Megatron.
Megatron: No, I'll crush you with my huge bear-like hands!
They fight.
Hot Rod: I've got to grab the matr-- er, help Prime!
Kup: Stay away lad, that's Prime's fight... (he goes back to playing backgammon with Blitzwing)
Megatron: I'll rip out your optics!
Optimus: You love it, biatch!
Kup: (looks up) Finish him off, Prime! Beat him good! Sure, you've been trying for millions of years, but now we're in an adult film, maybe they'll let it slide...
Megatron: No more Optimus Prime, grant me mercy, I beg of you.
Optimus: You who are without mercy, now plead for it... I thought you were made of sterner stuff?
Megatron: Fish!
Optimus: Okay, okay, that's the release word for this session, you cowardly gimp...
Leans forward to untie him.
Hot Rod: No you don't Megatron!
Optimus: Out of the way, Hot Rod... what, you think if Megatron is YOUR bondage slave the Autobots'll let you be leader?.. well, that's NEVER gonna happen!
Megatron: What?! You're only dating me to contain the war?! (sobs) ...it's OVER Prime! The best four million years of my life I gave you! I hope you get silicon herpes!
Stabs Optimus with a laser knife.
Optimus: OW!
He backhands Megatron over a cliff, then falls.
Hot Rod: Optimus, forgive me? At least give me the matrix?..
Optimus tries to lift himself up to shoot Hot Rod, but collapses.

Cut to med-bay.
Perceptor: ...we've found we could perpetuate his existence indefinitely by pumping his energon-processing system with ethanol, but ultimately his wounds will be fatal.
Daniel: Prime, you can't die.
Hot Rod: (mutters) ...what kind of STUPID statement is that?..
Optimus: (slurring) Do not grieve... soon I will be one with the matrix...
Hot Rod: Which you're gonna give ME?
Optimus: Why you little... (makes a feeble grab for Hot Rod's throat) Uh, uhhh... Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, that I shall pass the Matrix of leadership, as it was passed to me. Well, almost... I'm dying, I don't have time to find a huge cracker...
Hot Rod: (mutters) ...blasted Cybertronian old-boy network...
Magnus: But Prime, I'm... I'm just a soldier, I'm not worthy.
Optimus: No, you're not... but one day an Autobot will rise from our ranks and use the powe' of the matri' to ligh' our darkes'... our...
Hot Rod makes a grab for the Matrix, but Magnus slaps his hands away. Elsewhere, Unicron roars loudly in the silent vacuum of space. That's the SILENT vacuum of space, for our slower readers.
Unicron: HUH?

Elsewhere in space.
Astrotrain: Jettison some weight or I'll never make it to Cybertron.
Starscream: Just turn the anti-gravity of-- (he stops and thinks) ...fellow Decepticons, Astrotrain has requested we lighten our burden.
Hook: But if we turn the anti-grav of-- (noticing Starscream's null ray at his throat) uh... uh... (reads Starscream's lips) ...yes, er, survival of the fittest?
Starscream: Do I hear a second on that?
Unwounded: Aye.
Starscream: And against?
Megatron, some Insection clones, and a bunch of decoys: Nay.
Starscream: The ayes have it!
The Decepticons throw all of the old junk out of the shuttle.
Starscream: Oh how it PAINS me to do this.
Megatron: Best of three?.. hang on a minute, I still function! So does my gun!
Starscream: (holds up fusion cannon) Wanna bet? (he lets go)
Megatron: Souuundwaaaaave!..
Starscream: Well as Megatron has, well, been thrown out of the shuttle by yours truly... I'M RUNNING THE SHOW NOW!
Scrapper: Wait, the Constructicons form Devastator, the most powerful robot, we should rule.
Soundwave: Soundwave superior, Constructicons inferior.
Bonecrusher: Who are you calling inferior?
Soundwave: Constructicons deaf as well as stupid?
Hook: No-one would follow an uncharismatic bore like you!
Frenzy: Hey, our Dad's not boring!
Rumble: Yes he is!
Laserbeak: You shut it, you!
Soundwave: Definition of "bore"... inconclusive. Hook... correct. When I was servicing his maternal unit last night... there was no REQUIREMENT for charisma!
Scrapper: Constructicons, UNITE!
Frenzy: No way.
Long Haul: WAY!
A big fight breaks out.

Unicron: WELCOME, MEGATRON.
Megatron: Who..who said that?
Unicron: I AM UNICRON... AND NOT, AS A CERTAIN 80'S HEAVY METAL BAND WOULD HAVE IT, "THE EVIL UNICORN"... THIS ISN'T MY LITTLE PONY!!!
Megatron: Alright, alright, keep your horns on! Show yourself.
Unicron: AND THIS ISN'T A STRIP JOINT! UH, I MEAN, I HAVE SUMMONED YOU HERE FOR A PURPOSE...
Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron!
Unicron: YOU DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO READ THE CARDS IN THE PHONE BOXES?
Megatron: (coldly) State your business. Thirty bucks flat rate an hour, fifty for a lube job...
Unicron: THIS IS MY COMMAND. YOU ARE TO DESTROY THE AUTOBOT MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP, IT IS THE ONE THING, THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STAND IN MY WAY!
Megatron: (mutters) ...woo, you'd make an excellent Bond villain... (louder) ...you have nothing to fear; I have already crushed Optimus Prime with my huge bear-like hands!
Unicron: YOU EXAGGERATE. PARTICULARLY ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS.
Megatron: The point is he's dead! And the Matrix died with him!
Unicron: NO. WHAT THE AUTOBOTS HAVEN'T BEEN TELLING YOU FOR THE PAST FOUR MILLION YEARS IS THAT IT'S MORE THAN A PIECE OF SOFTWARE... IT'S A BIG SPARKLY CRYSTAL, TOO.
Megatron: Prime never told me anything! I'm glad he's dead!
Unicron: UH?.. IT HAS BEEN PASSED ON TO THEIR NEW LEADER... ULTRA MAGNUS. DESTROY IT FOR ME.
Megatron: Why should I, what are you going to do? Kill me if I refuse? (chuckles)
Unicron: HOW DROLL... VERY WELL, I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A NEW OUTFIT, AND NEW TROOPS TO COMMAND.
Megatron: And do I get sequins?
Unicron: AND NOTHING! YOU BELONG TO ME NOW.
Megatron: Then you'll pay the hourly rate and like it, big boy!
Unicron: PERHAPS I MISJUDGED YOU... PROCEED... ON YOUR WAY TO OBLIVION...
Megatron: Aaaaa, no, no, I accept your terms! I accept!..
Unicron: EXCELLENT. BEHOLD... MY BIATCH... (Megatron is changed into a new robot, Galvatron) ...and these shall be your minions, Scourge, the tracker and his huntsmen, the Sweeps. Cyclonus the warrior, and his armada.
Armada: Hey, I'm no-one's minion! (gets eaten)
Unicron: BAH. I'LL REFORMAT HIM INTO PART OF YOUR SHIP OR SOMETHING. JUST GO!
Galvatron: I will rip open the door to every female Autobot's quarters until the Matrix is found! To Cybertron!
They get into the new ship and zip off.
Unicron: AND DON'T TELL ANYONE THE MATRIX CAN KILL ME!

The scene moves to the Decepticon hall of leader on Cybertron. There is much horn-blowing. Oooer. Missus.
Starscream: Get on with it!
Ironhide: (muffled, from underneath the podium) Ahm blohwin' ahs hahrd as ah cahn...
Starscream: Not you! (shoots the ends off the Constructicons' horns) Get on with the ceremony! My fellow Decepticons... cassettes, seekers and gestalts... his holiness the Pope... the King of Norway...
Galvatron flies in and blows him away.
Starscream: Megatron? Was that you? (crumbles)
Galvatron: Far be it for me to remark upon the impressive size of my own titanic, girthsome weapon. Will anyone else attempt to fill his shoes?
Rumble and Frenzy spit copiously into Starscream's smoking boots.
Galvatron: My name is... Galvatron.
He looks around at the rapidly emptying room.
Galvatron: Galvatron, dammit! Come back here, you cowards! Oh, it's going to be a lonely reign. (quietly, to himself) I may go mad...

Unicron is licking out the insides of Moonbase #1 like a creme egg.
Jazz: Where'd that come from?!
Cliffjumper: eBay. You should be more worried about where it's going, lover-boy!
Jazz: (reading off the terminal screen) Scattershot. Boxed, life-size, all accessories. Includes batteries. (he presses buttons wildly) Help me! Mommy!
Cut to Earth.
Jazz (v/o): This is Jazz! Cliffjumper's wearing a sailor suit, and I'm scared! There's a giant planet eating the moon!
Magnus: Damned acid freaks. Speak sense! (he shakes Blaster)
Cut to Moonbase.
Jazz: Got to... blast... put that thing down!
Cliffjumper: Jazz... you're not getting away!
Unicron completely consumes the moon.
Spike (v/o): This is Spike and Bumblebee on Moonbase #2--
Bumblebee (v/o): --this thing, this monster planet just ripped the first moon to shreds--
Perceptor: ...it's a clazzik Freudian psychoziz, being consumed by ze mutter, vich is reprezented by...
Spike (v/o): --and it's headed this way--
Bumblebee (v/o): --we'll try to slow it down--
Spike (v/o): --but you'd better get here fast, 'cause we're not gonnAAARGH!!!
Bumblebee: Sorry, Spike! Guess that was a little hard, huh?
Daniel: Why do they always finish each other's sentences?
The other Autobots try to avoid looking Daniel in the eye.

Cut to Cybertron.
Galvatron: How dare Unicron?! Cybertron and all its moons belong to mAAARGH!!! (he writhes around in agony)
Scourge: But remember, YOU are his bi-atch.
Galvatron: I belong to nobody! (falls down stairs) I will obey... cupcake. To Earth!

Earth.
Magnus: Autobots, prepare to board Omega Supreme. This new menace is more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together--
Springer: (muttering loudly) --more dangerous than your leadership?--
Magnus: --we MUST get the hell outta... uh, protect Cybertron!
Daniel: But what about my Dad? He's on the moon between that monster planet and Cybertron. With Bumblebee. (he twitches) And hey, can I borrow $400 for... uh, books?
Magnus: Daniel... we'll do everything we can for Spike. And... didn't I give you two big ones yesterday?..
Springer: And what do we do when we get there? With you... big suck loser... in charge, it's gonna make short work of us.
Magnus: Er, maybe the Matrix can stop it.
Hot Rod: (fake cheery voice) You're right, it can! Here, let me have a look at that!
Kup: (slapping him back) Whadda you know about it, lad?
Hot Rod: I've just got... this... this... er... feeling.
Springer: You should get some cream or something for that.
Galvatron's Decepticons swarm in and attack.
Magnus: To the shuttles!
Cyclonus swoops in.
Galvatron: I, Galvatron, will crush you just as Megatron crushed Prime!
Magnus: And we'll both die, just like Megatron and Prime! Uh, are you sure you want to do this?
Galvatron: Autobot scrap! I was just hoping for a little action, but then there's this monster planet and most of my troops got turned into blue goons with beards and polished nails, and... look, it's complicated, you know?
Scourge: You want me to gut Ultra Magnus?
Galvatron: You keep your pink claws out of him -- Ultra Magnus is mine!

Cut to elsewhere.
Arcee: Stay close to me, Daniel! No, closer -- next to my foot!
Hot Rod: (whispering) Hey, if I don't get to, you don't get to...
Arcee: (conspiratorially) We're in the middle of a battle. No-one will know...
Daniel runs onto the shuttle before either of them can tread on him.
Blurr: NiceDino,GoodDino,SweetDino,WontYouStepIntoTheNiceSpaceship,
Please,PrettyPlease,PrettyPrettyPlease,NiceDino,GoodDino,
WithSugarOnTopAndACherryAndSomeWhippedCream-
GET-IN-THE-SLAGGING-SHUTTLE-YOU-DUMB-METAL-LIZARD!
Grimlock: What you say? Me Grimlock switch Discman off now.
Magnus: Get the... oh, forget it. All of my worthwhile troops are already on the first shuttle.

Onboard the second shuttle.
Kup: This reminds me of Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6... Grimlock, get your noodle outta my face.
Grimlock: Grimlock sorry. It never do that before.
Kup: Engage the boosters, for Cybertron's sake!
Grimlock: Tell Grimlock about Eroticon 6 again...
Kup: Why can't you watch vids like everybody else? Three breasts. Whore. The End. Now get that thing outta my face!

Onboard the first shuttle.
Springer: Well, looks like we're shipmates, squirt. But if you get spacesick you're gonna walk home...
Daniel: Huh? Uh, I'm not sick... (checks his watch and starts to shiver)
Magnus: Right, I think that's everyone.
Daniel: Arcee's still out there!
They lower the ramp for her to be pulled aboard.
Arcee: Hey, I owe you one, kid!
Daniel: (through gritted teeth) Give me one of those pink 'asthma' ones...
Springer: And believe it or not, this is the fun part.

[LKW]

Heh heh ha ha ha! Some very funny (and sometimes disturbing;) ) stuff! Like the introduction, the coronation - especially "attempting to fill his shoes" and everybody running out... Finally a logical explanation for the Dinobots not getting on the shuttle - "What you say? Me Grimlock switch Discman off now." The cassette attack on/fight in the tower.... And a couple of good observations on the Movie, too: "Just switch the anti-gravity of-" - !! And "And we'll both die, just like Megatron and Prime!" Ha ha ha!

[Denyer]

As recommended by Josh:

"I feel dirty now. I'll never be able to watch the actual movie after this..."

http://tfarchive.com/community/showthre ... adid=33915