Kamen's review: Swindle
“Hey, man. Wanna buy a plasma cannon, cheap? Not your thing? No problem! You’re the more sophisticated type; I knew that right off. Well, the night is young, and the opportunities are many. Who am I? Why, thank you for asking. Call me Ron
. Pleased to meet you! Now, you were just telling me about your fascinating interests...Toy collecting, you say? What a coincidence! As it happens I have something here that I think will be right up your alley. The best and newest figures from the Transformers Animated
toy line, mint in sealed box and mint on card. How did I know–trade secret I’m afraid–but that’s not important. Here. Feast your eyes upon this one. Animated
Swindle, Heroic Decepticon. Looks fantastic, eh? But, let’s not forget, you’re a connoisseur, a collector, a person who demands the best. You’ve come to the right place, that’s for sure. Don’t take my word for it, of course; see for yourself. A little demo, perhaps? You have exquisite tastes, so you don’t need me to tell you about quality you can see. Go ahead, inspect it yourself; after all, you can’t expect the customer to buy the car without giving it a test drive, so to speak."
“Wow. You know what? I’m so excited about this product, I could spring a leak. Far be it for me to impose, but I can’t resist pointing out all the exciting features. You’re far more knowledgeable than I, naturally, so you can fully appreciate what I, in my ignorance, can only admire from afar."
“Are you seeing this? Are you loving this? He’s a weapons specialist, an expert negotiator, he’s an inventor–brilliant if I do say so myself–and comes with his own gyro missile launcher. How could you go wrong?"
“But I digress. Let’s focus on the main event. As you can clearly see, Swindle’s alternate mode
is a comfortable and stylish, low-slung sports utility vehicle
. This compact model–only available for a limited time–features four doors and enough storage space for all your gear. For the adventurous, you’ll receive full all-wheel drive capabilities and tough all-terrain tires to tackle any place you want to go!"
“In a special one-time deal, if you order the beautiful light tan–we call it military drab in the biz–paint job, I’ll include fully tinted windows, and a full-frontal
detailing job, complete with tampographed decals absolutely free! I know, I’m crazy, right? Well, hold onto your hat, because there’s more!"
“Among the fabulous options this model comes standard with a roof-mounted cannon. Perfect for you military-types and criminal despots alike! Mounted firmly to the roof, the cannon has a full 360 degree range, and fires a high-velocity, high-impact missile. An additional feature I know you’ll want to try out–and I’m practically giving it away–is the charge indicator. As soon as your cannon’s loaded the indicator bands on the barrel and chamber turn from violet to orange. You’ll never have an embarrassing misfire again! "
“You’re hooked already, I can tell. You’re thinking there can’t possibly be anymore, am I right? Prepare to be amazed, because there’s even more value packed into this product!"
“In robot mode
Swindle is just darling, isn’t he, isn’t he? Just look at that precocious grin, those wide, trustworthy violet eyes. Couldn’t you just eat him up? And just look at his little bolo tie! Absolutely darling. Of course, darling may not strike today’s rough and ready toy-collector. Never fear, Swindle has sufficient menace for you too. A nice touch of light-piping purple in the limbs to off-sets that military drab."
“Let’s move onto the features shall we? Swindle here includes not one, but two shoulder mounted cannon. And that’s not all! He features a flip out rotary gun and an arm mounted cannon. Spiffy! How can he move with all that hardware, you ask? That’s no problem for Swindle! He features full and completely
life-like articulation, and suffers absolutely no
balance problems whatever."
“It’s great, huh? The best Transformer toy since the ‘80s. Let me give you a run-down of this entire fantastic package!"
“For the same low-low price
, you’ll be getting a fabulous compact SUV with a full paint job and roof mounted cannon. A intricate and interesting transformation
into a fully articulated and highly durable
robot. Who couldn’t have fun with that? So, what you say? Let’s make a deal!”