Auntie Slag's review of: FreewayName
: Autobot SabatuerSub-Group
: Throttlebots"Words can cut deeper than steel."The Throttlebot's self-appointed comedian. Specializes in insulting others, but gets angry when others make fun of him. His car radio intercepts and decodes enemy radio broadcasts, transmitts erroneous ones instead. Uses sonic land mines, magnetic homing grenades, rusting agents, etc. for sabotage. At times he laughs so hard at his jokes he blows internal circuits and disables himself.
Fed up with porn? got no friends? tired of life? You've come to the right place my friend. Welcome to the Freeway review. I don't have any answers, but maybe I can entertain you for a few minutes. So put that knife back in the draw, scrunch up that tearstained 'goodbye' note (man you are so clichéd), and lie back and think of England/America/Canada/Kazakhstan/other.
Freeway is a master of understatement. That really should have been his role in the Autobot army, its not as if they needed another saboteur! Belonging to the venerable Throttlebot team, Freeway transforms EXACTLY the same way as his buddies, the only difference being that he's blue. That must've killed a lot of the incentive to purchase him. I mean, at least the original mini-Autobots attempted a little variation in design. Now they're not even trying. Take heart though, for in a parallel universe Hasbro has most likely pushed him as a 21st century repaint in baby blue, available for the amazing price of $28.97 (before tax). Freeway repaint No.6 identical to repaint No.5 except for the different font adorning his box art.
So, what's going to sell this guy? To be honest with you, nothing. He's crap. Maybe he appealed to blind transformers fans with short-term memories. I don't know, I don't care."Honestly son, its Goldbug. No I'm not lying to you, what kind of father do you take me for?"
Freeway has a slightly different facial structure to the other Throttlebots. Um.... he's blue (oh, I already said that), his legs part like a hooker at a G.I. re-union (no wait, that's a lie). Freeway is a toy for rabid completists only. For everyone else he represents a means to empathise with non-toy collectors. He's not interesting; the amount of fun you'll derive is questionable (I got a lot of enjoyment from him because I'm very shallow and simple minded) and would look totally unremarkable on your shelf. Freeway will give you, your kids, your dog, even your dogs kids a bad name.Vehicle Mode
I think he's a little blue Corvette. I could be wrong on that, obviously he's not an accurate rendition of one, because he's a cartoony variant decked out in a cute baby blue colour scheme that's shared with Nightbeat. I suppose he scrapes into the category of being a robot with an actual disguise and not some silly futuristic ship or unidentifiable monster. But (and here's the big BUT), he's a Throttlebot, which means he has that amazing 'pull back & go' action! This is definitely one for the easily pleased, and the idea is cribbed from the similarly amazing (and strangely short lived) Jumpstarter line. You simply wind the car back along the floor until the mechanism makes that 'clicky-clicky' sound (which means you'll get maximum speed and distance), then watch him zoom off and hit a wall. Extra points are awarded if you can make him careen into a sleeping dog. Go for the nose, they hate that.
There's evidence here that Hasbro doesn't totally hate us. They could have left his windscreen and windows baby blue. Instead, they went to the trouble of making them a nice grey colour to match his wheel hubs, an altogether more professional look. See? they love us really.
That's it I'm afraid. His car radio doesn't work; neither does he come with microwaves, sonic death monkeys or rust proofing equipment like his tech spec says. Hey, what do want for your three bucks? I want my three bucks back.Robot Mode
This is the part where I say it get better. .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... But I would be lying.
Gasp at his stiff little arms, gaze at his big fat foot-thing, come over his bored expression. Yes, Freeway is as sick of life as you are, and you're reading a review of him! I bet you don't pull back and go. I bet you can't fit on a shelf. I bet you're not worth three bucks.
No, wait! Come back! I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, it's just..... this review is killing me. I mean come ooooon! You don't need this toy, ok? You owe it to yourself to support quality toy manufacture by going out and purchasing an alternator, or a battle beast, or a bag of sugar. Now that's love, that's craftsmanship. Not this. However, I believe they're re-using Freeway's name for one of those amazing Alternators. After 18 years he's finally gonna turn that frown into a smile. Isn't that cool? I think its cool. The little guy's gonna be happy. He'll be dancing all the way home. Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny, chim-chim-cheroo, a sweep is what's lucky, what's lucky can dooooo!
I feel better now so lets finish this up. His face is a one-colour gold paint affair, the rub sign on his chest stunningly reveals him to be an Autobot and he retains his pull-back-and-go-ability in robot mode! Fantastic! Perhaps the coolest thing to do would be to collect at least five different Throttlebots, then have them re-enact your favourite Backstreet Boys dance moves. There's fun.Transformation
: 1 - Simpler than Jessica Simpson.Durability
: 3 - Reasonably tough components. He's only made of a few bits. That said, he won't win in a fight with Jessica Simpson, unless he disguises himself as a Buffalo Chicken Wing.Fun
: 1 - Unless you're Jessica Simpson, then 10.Price
: I own him and I'm imploring you not to get him. Let someone give him to you, or pay a pittance in a garage sale if you must, but don't go actively searching for him. There are more beautiful things in heaven and earth than for you to spend your extremely limited time looking for this p.o.s toy.Summary
: 10 - Yes, that's right, MINUS TEN! Think what he might cost on eBay, a few dollars? That could be put to better use as 1/7th the cost of a possible Freeway Alternator. Better yet, spend the money on the latest edition of Cosmopolitan and read the article that claims to make you a better lover, or purchase a dozen eggs and hurl them at Jessica Simpson. Either of these things will bring you infinitely more joy than this sorry little piece of plastic.
Here endeth the lesson.