ToplessRobot's TF2 FAQ

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Clay
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ToplessRobot's TF2 FAQ

Post by Clay »

Will merge with "an entertaining review thread" later; for now, it deserves its own.

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/bon ... 2_faqs.php

It's split on two pages for increased page hits, so here's the whole thing in one.
Bonus! Rob's Transformers 2 F.A.Q.s!
Posted at 12:00 PM Jun 26, 2009
ROTF_Poster1.jpg
It dawned on me at about 4am last night when I was finishing my review that 2500 words might not be enough to fully describe the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen experience. Additionally, I really didn't get much into the plot, as I was so busy explaining why it was a fundamentally shitty movie. So I took a little time to interview myself about the movie's story in order to help you understand what RotF is all about. Hope it helps!

Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?
I have no ****ing clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.

What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?
The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.

What?
Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.


Why is the U.S. military helping them?
Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly shitty at their job.

How does the U.S. military help them?
Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.

Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?
Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.

How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?
Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.

So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

What?
That's what they said.

But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.
Yes.

...and now it can also bring him back to life.
It's very powerful, this Allspark.

Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?
They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.

Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?
Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.

Well, then why do they give a shit about Sam?
The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.

They weren't in the other shard?
Apparently not.

So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?
Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.

Wait.
Waiting.

There's a slutty Decepticon?
Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--

Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?
Yes.

So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?
Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.

How so?
Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.

It sounds preposterous.
Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!

Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone.
...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil! He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.

Now you're just making shit up as you go along, aren't you?
Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble.
Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.

That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?
No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!

Really? What is that?
No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.

Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?
I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.

Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus?
Yes. He could.

...
...

Well?
He doesn't.

Why not?
I'm not sure exactly.

Then what the hell does he do?
He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.

Which Autobot does the translating?
Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.

What. The ****.
Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.

And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?
Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.

Where the hell are the other Autobots?
I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution here.

So Turturro translates the symbols.
No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.

What good is he dead?!
Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!

Not Optimus?
No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.

You have to ****ing be kidding me.
Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the missing Autobots --

Wait, what? Teleports?
Yes, teleports.

Transformers don't teleport.
Jetfire does.

But -- wait a second, he's a ****ing jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!
Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life.
Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said **** it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the shit out of him although he escaped.

Okay...
So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain? It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon.

Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?
Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.

I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.
I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the Goddamn Sun."
If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't that cool?

...
...

No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the **** does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?
Uh...

And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no ****ing reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.
...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.

Grr.
What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's corpse.

Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be there in a minute or two.
They don't do that.

What?
They walk.

Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam.
Yes. Exactly.

I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right?
Pretty close. Sam dies, though.

Really?
Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.

**** you.
I'm serious.

**** you. There's no way.
It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.

I may be ill.
Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.

Anything else you want to add?
Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.

Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?
I can't answer every question, man.

BONUS ROUND!

So it's not as bad as shitting your pants?
Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.

Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?
I don't have the faintest clue.

Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Bumblebee to play when Sam says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?
No. No there couldn't.

Why can't Bumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?
Because Bumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living **** out of a Decepticon later.

Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.

A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.

That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?
Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why the **** does he stay for the entirety of the movie?
I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Beef to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all extraneous.

Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make shit fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?
Because... because **** YOU, that's why.

Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a ****. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man."

Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."
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Post by Springer85 »

I find it somewhat amusing yet also very sad that somebody puts this much time and effort into something he doesn't like.

If he put as much time and effort into something he does like, he could even be funny. :o
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Post by tahukanuva »

Aside from a few bits that one could very understandably miss in such a hectic movie, he mostly hit the nail(s) on the head(s). I enjoyed the movie in spite of these glaring flaws because I love both Transformers and face-taking, but I can see how pretty much anyone else could hate it.
The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.
So it seems more than a few people saw it that way. I wonder how common that is.
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Post by RID Scourge »

Thing is this is a war. If you know there's a nest of enemies in a given spot you don't wait for them to make a move. You engage and take them out. In normal life it's murder, but when you're at war with someone it's a preemptive strike. Though it would have been nice to see the Decepticons actually fight back.

Really funny writup. I loved the movie, but this is hilarious. Read it on another board last week.
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Post by Civ »

The thing though with the Decepticons is that via Jetfire, we learn that it's a choice. Wheelie was told this by Jetfire and stopped being a Decepticon and became a leg-humping machine. It would have helped to confirm that the two 'cons killed in the beginning of the movie were evil by showing them doing something evil. Hell, even if they were just in the stages of plotting, it would have eliminated any doubt.

Very funny review, by the way.
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Post by Summerhayes »

Quite funny, though they exaggerate some stuff for the point of the joke in ways that annoy. I'd probably find it funnier if I didn't like the film.
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Post by Cliffjumper »

Bit twatty once again. Like that one the other day, but written by a Maddox wannabe. I've no problem whatsoever with people disliking the film for myriad reasons, but if their central drive is that Michael Bay or whoever isn't very good at his job, they should probably check exactly what substance their house is made of first...

In short, I'd love to see someone (professional, obviously, our reaction thread here has generally been lucid) give a well-written critique of the film without simply resorting to belittling either the people who made it or people who like it. Y'know, concentrating on the film, rather than showing their machine-made wacky factor off. Someone who's not, in short, a c*nt.
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Post by inflatable dalek »

Civ wrote:The thing though with the Decepticons is that via Jetfire, we learn that it's a choice. Wheelie was told this by Jetfire and stopped being a Decepticon and became a leg-humping machine.
Perhaps if Megan Fox offered her leg to all the Decepticons the war would be over?
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Post by fantomdranzerx »

Civ wrote:The thing though with the Decepticons is that via Jetfire, we learn that it's a choice.
I did always like the idea of the Decepticons as a faction as opposed to the Evil!!!!111 Race. That's how many people online seem to view them. Jetfire and Wheelie changing sides shows that any Decepticon can make a choice on where they stand.

Back on topic, the FAQ was very humorous. I still think the movie was fun, though.
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Post by Cliffjumper »

I'm also wondering where I missed the line about Demolisher and Sideways simply popping into existance three seconds before the NEST assault...
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Post by Civ »

Cliffjumper wrote:I'm also wondering where I missed the line about Demolisher and Sideways simply popping into existance three seconds before the NEST assault...
It's the one right before the movie explains what they did in the past and why they were in Shanghai in the first place.
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Post by Cliffjumper »

Well, seeing as they're representatives of a faction that's been shown (and will be shown again) to have no qualms about destroying natives for their own means hanging around at a construction site, and that Demolisher's first action on NEST entering the area was to transform and kill some people, which seems more plausible (allowing for Decepticon fanboys and 'hilarious' self-styled internet comedians, of course)?
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Post by Clogs »

It would appear, then, that the movie is as much a mash-up as the official comic (which word is soooo accurate)? A load of non-sequiturs, but with big bangs, as it were hem-hem.

I should be going to the cinema on Saturday to see this, but every comment I've read - and IDW's presentation - is starting to put me off... :(
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Post by Civ »

Cliffjumper wrote:Well, seeing as they're representatives of a faction that's been shown (and will be shown again) to have no qualms about destroying natives for their own means hanging around at a construction site, and that Demolisher's first action on NEST entering the area was to transform and kill some people, which seems more plausible (allowing for Decepticon fanboys and 'hilarious' self-styled internet comedians, of course)?
But that's the thing, as a fan of the brand, I already know that the Decepticons are portrayed as the jerks of the universe with very little, if any, regard to human life. Me seeing the Autobots and the army take those two 'Cons down at the beginning of the movie didn't phase me until I realized that a movie go'er unfamiliar with the brand would probably not understand what's going on. I could see that initial scene being a bit confusing storywise for someone like that.
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Post by Notabot »

Civ wrote:I could see that initial scene Revenge of the Fallen being a bit confusing storywise for someone like that.
Fixed that for you.

Yeah, it bothered me too that they would introduce both the hunting down of Decepticons and the choice of faction at the same time. While the Decepticons have certainly established a pattern of violence, I was still a bit disturbed by Optimus's execution of Demolishor. Demolishor's down, Optimus says something menacing, then blows his head off. That seems a little more consistent with the cons than the autobots. But then again, are we seriously looking for character development and consistency in these movies?
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Post by Civ »

Character development? No. It'd be nice but there's just too much going on for there to be much of that. Consistency? If we're talking about the factions acting like they have in the past, then no, it's a wholely different continuity. Of course, I am using the word "continuity" rather loosely.
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Post by inflatable dalek »

Civ wrote:But that's the thing, as a fan of the brand, I already know that the Decepticons are portrayed as the jerks of the universe with very little, if any, regard to human life. Me seeing the Autobots and the army take those two 'Cons down at the beginning of the movie didn't phase me until I realized that a movie go'er unfamiliar with the brand would probably not understand what's going on. I could see that initial scene being a bit confusing storywise for someone like that.
Surely all they'll need to have done is seen the first film which establishes fairly strongly the Decepticons are very naughty boys?
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Post by Civ »

Hmmm...yeah, alright. I can see that.
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Post by Cliffjumper »

Notabot wrote:While the Decepticons have certainly established a pattern of violence, I was still a bit disturbed by Optimus's execution of Demolishor. Demolishor's down, Optimus says something menacing, then blows his head off.
I dunno, it was nothing Rodimus Prime didn't do twenty-odd years before, and by that point Demolisher had butchered a few NEST troops and probably a few unfortunate commuters as well, even if we do assume based on absolutely nothing that these were friendly Decepticons who came to Earth to, I dunno, soak up the ambience of Shanghai building sites. I'm not seeing a whole heap of other options - they let him go, and he could wipe out a city by himself before anyone stopped him; they imprison him and anything could happen given the record Sector 7 had with Megatron (who was much smaller); or they finish it then and there, one tainted life for many innocents. It's not like he tried to surrender before he'd killed a bunch of people, or before Prime had crippled him anyway (Prime does order him to pull over, for whatever that's worth).

Sideways is a little bit more of a grey area, IMO, as he really doesn't do much other than run and try to fend off the Autobots chasing him down - he's also small and not obviously powerful, so might have been more containable. But then any Transformer can probably do a lot of damage in the right circumstances if NEST didn't get there on time.

Maybe there should have been a line about the pair having done.being about to do something specific bad beyond being powerful aliens with no qualms about killing natives and sucking the planet dry one way or another, but then at the same time it's not a big leap of logic for us to accept that the Evil Decepticons are Evil Decepticons, surely?

Actually, if we're going for inferences, what's to say Demolisher wasn't dying slowly and Prime finished him off swiftly out of mercy? Not a lot either way, like the rest of the hypothesising (which probably would have drawn no comment if it was in an IDW G1 comic written by Furman... albeit because nobody really reads them anymore).
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Post by Dead Man Wade »

Cliffjumper wrote:It's not like he tried to surrender before he'd killed a bunch of people, or before Prime had crippled him anyway (Prime does order him to pull over, for whatever that's worth).
Or, for that matter, before Prime executes him. He had an opportunity (if he was in fact so inclined), but chose instead to make vague threats.
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