Lame Jokes

Chat about stuff other than Transformers.
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Slayer-Fan123
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Lame Jokes

Post by Slayer-Fan123 » Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:47 am

Alright, here's how it works.
Post a joke that's lamer than the one above you. Simple, right? I would hope so. So, I'll start...

Q. Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkly?
A. Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they would be an aspirin.


GO!
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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Ackula
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Post by Ackula » Mon Apr 20, 2009 8:18 am

You win ;)

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Skidmark
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Post by Skidmark » Wed Jul 29, 2009 7:06 pm

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
"Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

Movies I've seen recently:
Red
Johnny Got His Gun
A Clockwork Orange
Fight Club
Toy Story 3
Zombieland
Tenacious D The Pick of destiny
Watchmen

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secretcode
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Post by secretcode » Wed Jul 29, 2009 7:36 pm

Just look at any of my posts when I'm trying to be "witty." This one included.
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slartibartfast
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Post by slartibartfast » Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:06 am

So this guy walks into a bar one day and orders two beers, despite being on his own. Drinks them both and then leaves. Next day same thing, and the next, and the next, until the barman finally asks why he orders two beers each time. The guy replies that he and a friend who was on holiday had an agreement where every time they would go to a bar they would buy a drink for the other.

Then one day the guy turns up, but only orders one beer, and again the next day, he only orders one. Obviously worried, the barman inquires about the friend, but the guy replies simply that he had quit drinking.

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Skidmark
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Post by Skidmark » Fri Jul 31, 2009 9:30 pm

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch that hurt!"
"Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

Movies I've seen recently:
Red
Johnny Got His Gun
A Clockwork Orange
Fight Club
Toy Story 3
Zombieland
Tenacious D The Pick of destiny
Watchmen

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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:23 am

If you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

tinned pork

because of

swine flu..............






Ignore it.




It's just spam.
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Clogs
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Post by Clogs » Wed Sep 23, 2009 12:38 pm

The driving instructor's new pupil was young and attractive. She mashed the gears, weaved across the road and braked like a maniac. Eventually, the instructor could stand it no longer and, stopping the lesson, took the driver's seat to head back into town.

"Don't you like me?" the pupil crooned.

Well, what was a bloke to say? He stuck to the basics. "You'll never learn to drive!"

"Ah, but I predict I will," she replied archly. "You see: I'm a witch."

A mile down the road he turned into a lay-by...

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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Sat Oct 10, 2009 7:17 pm

Back at the Ranch...

An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with mom and dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."

"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded, "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
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Selkadoom
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Post by Selkadoom » Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:40 pm

why is 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 ate 9
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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Rattrap's tail
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Post by Rattrap's tail » Sun Oct 18, 2009 12:41 am

(No offense deer people, no offense, just someone making a lame joke)

What is yellow, wet, and has a white Tulban???

Arabeer....

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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Sun Oct 25, 2009 9:32 pm

Give a man a fish and and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he'll be gone all weekend.
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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:42 pm

Man applies for a job as a lumberjack and is asked about his experience.

"I worked the Sahara Forest for five years."

"The Sahara Forest???????????? The Sahara is a desert, there are no trees there!"

"Sure......... now." he smiled.
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"Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball"

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Rodimus Convoy
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Post by Rodimus Convoy » Sun Nov 08, 2009 1:37 am

O.K. So a guy is lost and wandering through the desert when he stumbles across a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genies says:
"Thank you for finding me! In return, I will grant you three wishes. But there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, your wife gets two." The man thinks very carefully before deciding what to wish for.
"Alright then. I wish for a new car."
"Your wife gets TWO new cars," the genie reminds him.
"I wish for a new house."
"Your wife gets TWO new houses," the genie reminds him. "And what is your final wish?"
"Y'see that stick over there? Can you beat me half to death with it?"

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on a deserted island. Suddenly, a magical genie appears and says that he will grant them each one wish.
"I wish for a boat so I can sail off this island!" The redhead says, as her wish is granted.
"I wish for a plane so I can fly of this island!" the brunette says as her wish is granted.
"Gee, it sure is lonely... I wish those guys were back." says the blonde.

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

IQ Test:

Step one:
Tell someone to shake your hand. DO NOT LET GO!

Step two:
Wave your finger back and forth in front of their face and ask them their name.

Step three:
Once they answer, wave your finger up and down and ask them their age.

Step four:
After they answer, wave your finger side to side again and ask them their favorite color.

Step five:
Move your finger forward until it is about an inch from the bridge of their nose and ask, "Am I touching you?"

Step six:
When they say, "No," hold up the other hand you're still holding on to and wait for them to feel stupid.

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the Sheriff. They run inside a barn and hide in three sacks. The officers rush in and kick the first sack. The brunette starts barking like a dog.
"Look, boys. It's just a dog." They move on to the next sack and kick it. The redhead meows like a cat.
"Look, boys. It's just a cat." They move on to the next sack and kick it. The blonde shouts, "Potatoes!"

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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Fri Nov 27, 2009 4:20 am

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Sun Nov 29, 2009 2:19 am

Murphy's computers laws:

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Every non trivial program has at least one bug
Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.

Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.

The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.

Lulled into Security Law: A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.

A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.

A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.

Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.

The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.

The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.

A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.

No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.

Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.

When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.

Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.

If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.

If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.

No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.

All components become obsolete: The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.

Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.

Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.

Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being grounded will only supply power cabling with two wires.

If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.

A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

Adding manpower to a late hardware project makes it later.

A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.
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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:49 pm

Image
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Post by Clogs » Wed Jan 06, 2010 12:19 am

Rurudyne - love that. So Dilbert :)

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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Tue Jan 12, 2010 3:05 pm

This was posted in a thread elsewhere that postulated that the federal government will try to reign in beer under the new health insurance "reform" because it (beer) is bad for us:

First they came for the LSD, Heroin and Cocaine, and I did not speak out—because I was not a druggie;
Then they came for the marijuana, and I did not speak out—because I was not a hippie;
Then they came for the sudafed, and I did not speak out—because I did not have sinuses;
Then they came for beer—and NOW I'M ****ED.
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Rurudyne
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Post by Rurudyne » Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:36 pm

I've heard that some scientist want to honor the 43rd President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him (once they actually find it).

The area is to be referred to as "Bush's Fault."
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