Lame Jokes

kupimus aka(clocker) · Mon Mar 22, 2010 11:26 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To run away from my fork.

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:42 pm

Once a head of an insane asylum out on the west coast was asked how they determine who was crazy, how bad they were or if they were just acting?

"Simple." the Doctor replied, "When evaluating any patient we always find a pretense to get them into a room where we've got this really neat old style iron bath tub that's near a big double-hung sash window: the tub is full of water; also there is a bucket, a cup and a thimble on a nearby stand. We then ask them if they wouldn't mind emptying the tub for us. And that's how we know who is really crazy."

"I see!" said the reviewer, "A sane person will use the bucket while a crazy person will use the cup or thimble. Very clever!"

The Doctor smiled.

"Actually, sane people will pull the plug and let the water drain. What sort of a room would you like? Courtyard view or ocean view?"

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:35 pm

Top 10 reasons Star Trek is better than Star Wars:

10. Klingons don't party with Muppets.
9. Data could kick C3PO's shiny metal ass.
8. Not one Star Trek character ever had one of those Anikin rat-tails in their hair.
7. Not one episode of Star Trek was ever directed by George Lucas.
6. Jar-jar Binks.
5. Ricardo Montalban.
4. Mini skirts with leather boots.
3. Han shot first, dammit!
2. No Star Trek Christmas Special.
1. Captain Kirk could get chicks without using the Force.

Skidmark · Post by **Skidmark** » Mon Jul 26, 2010 4:26 pm

What happens when you eat all the potatoes?

They're all gone.

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:52 am

One fine day after morning services John Phelps — a local independent contractor and all around handyman — was cornered by Thelma Mae Whitticker — the church busybody.

"John!" she said all smiles, "John, I am so very glad I caught up with you!"

"Thelma." John nodded politely.

"Oh John, I've been worried about you ever since last Friday when I saw your '69 Jimmy parked out front of Lou's Tavern. Don't you know that people will just know what you are doing if you park there?"

"But ... Thelma—"

"No 'Buts' John! You're a well known member of this congregation and if people see your truck parked in front of a bar they will know, everyone will know, that you're backslidden. John, can't you see how this could cause trouble for our church?"

Rather than defend the unreasonable accusation, John sighed and promised he'd be more careful about where he parked; however, it just didn't sit well with him.

So that night before dinnertime he parked his old truck in front of Thelma Mae's house and walked home....

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:01 pm

Sneaky Israelis!

More than three decades ago an Israeli company built the Tehran headquarters for the national airline of Iran. Just look at what they put on the roof (link):

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Mon Jan 03, 2011 7:29 pm

Bobby and Mae had always wanted to travel but they'd never been able to. Then one fine afternoon after Bobby won several ten thousands of dollars from a lotto and so they decided that, just this once, they'd do the irresponsible thing for a change and travel through Europe.

So they left the family cat, Muffins, with Bobby's Mom, Helen, and his younger brother, Frank (who was taking care of her) and took off for parts as yet unknown to them.

Weeks passed.

Late one night Bobby called home from their Venice hotel room.

"Frank! How have you been? We've been great! Having a great time! Sorry we've been so long without word."

A long silence on Frank's end of the line followed.

"Frank, is something wrong?"

"Bob," Frank stammered, "I ... well ... Muffins is dead."

Bobby sank into the bed, horrified.

"Frank, you can't just say: 'Muffins is dead'! What an awful way to give someone bad news. Haven't you a clue what she's meant to us since the kids moved out?"

"WELL, WHAT SHOULD I SAY?" Frank seemed angry.

"Break it in stages. Maybe say she was out in the neighborhood or stuck on the roof. Don't just blurt it out."

"Fine, I'm sorry."

Bobby sighed, Frank hadn't meant to hurt his feeling so he figured he'd change the topic.

"So, how have you and Mom been?"

"Oh ... I'm fine, but Mom is stuck on the roof...."

Tetsuro · Post by **Tetsuro** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:57 am

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:16 pm

The TSA (they handle airport security over here) has a new motto:

You won't see London
You won't see France
Until we see your underpants

Slayer-Fan123 · Post by **Slayer-Fan123** » Thu Feb 03, 2011 6:08 am

Why can't you here a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.

Slayer-Fan123 · Post by **Slayer-Fan123** » Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:10 pm

What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:42 am

Hebrew National, makers of just about the best hot dog you can buy, have announced a new line of health friendly bread products to go their existing line.

In particular, there's a whole wheat with fiber and bran enhanced hot dog bun to be sold under the brand name "Let My People Go"....

Summerhayes · Post by **Summerhayes** » Sun Feb 27, 2011 4:47 pm

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with Transformers.
I said "I can change!"
She said "there you go again!"

My neighbour told me that one. She was really excited and had clearly been waiting to tell me since she heard it.

Slayer-Fan123 · Post by **Slayer-Fan123** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 5:43 am

The doctor told the patient, “You’re dying.”
The patient replied, “I want a second opinion.”
The doctor then said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Mon Mar 21, 2011 3:01 am

Came across this today: Guide to COOL by fuzzydemon

If the writing is small click on it to enlarge (as if everyone didn't already know that about DA).

EDIT: Then there's DialTone by Jollyjack

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 4:42 pm

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:55 am

Redneck Professional Engineering Exam
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many
hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Thu Aug 11, 2011 6:06 pm

Did you hear that Anhauser-Busch is planning to make a beer-flavored Budwiser?

No, I didn't either....

EDIT: I really wish people would tell me a lame joke now and again. I mean, it can't be hard to beat what I've come across.

Slayer-Fan123 · Post by **Slayer-Fan123** » Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:59 am

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Rurudyne · Post by **Rurudyne** » Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:30 pm

Wife: "You never listen to me and you only hear what you want to hear!"

Husband: "Sure, I'll have a beer."