TFARCHIVE FORUMS

Just feed back, it's only the first chapter and fairly short, I'll apologize in advanced to those with slower modems as this may take a while to load

The last few days had been quiet not many battles. Not many at all especially for himself thought Karandras. He was in his shrine, that of the Striking Scorpions tending to the Exarchs duties that had the time off with him here. He perked his head up at the sound of footsteps the Exarch, A Scorpion coming to the shrine for his daily training or meditation? No it wasn’t and right when the voice rang out Karandras knew who had entered his shrine on the Biel-Tan craftworld. “Karandras if I didn’t know better I’d say you’re bored” the man said causing Karandras head to turn. “It seems I can’t even let my mind open in closed room” Karandras looking back towards the mantle piece closing his eyes. “Only when I’m around Asuryan knows I‘m the only would who would try and enter your mind” The man replied the tapping of his staff on the cold wraith bone floor piercing the silence when neither was speaking. “What do you want Blastrix?” Karandras asked the man they were friends and about the same age and loved the thrill of battle almost the same. “Blunt as usual Karandras, one reason we get along so well. I heard you were free, no wars no battles no anything so I came to you, a solo mission” Blastrix said stepping deeper into the shrine further. This almost pushed Karandras over the deep end, Solo mission? SOLO MISSION! Karandras thought to himself quickly getting to his feet and turning and facing Blastrix his head under the bulky helmet that extended up a shaft painted gold the top painted an ultra marine blue looking like eyes then from there black dreadlocks hanging down back to where his head is within the helmet. The face plate over his mouth also painted gold, red gems over his eyes made with small fibers and microchips enhancing vision the rest of the helmet a dark green coming from the sides of the face plate to small barrels for the mandi-blasters meant to fire out small spikes to act as psychic conductors to stun opponents when in battle and if lucky kill. The rest of his armor was a dark green mainly many thick ropes with gems dangling from them and other red gems encrusted to the armor, former souls that had been the soul of the Phoenix Lord Karandras and it’s armor the one who inhabits it now has it’s soul stone pressed into the middle of a white scorpion on the center of the chest. On Karandras right hand is a large silver claw, a scorpion claw with a golden shuriken pistol on the top. He stood 7’5 normally with the headdress making him 8’5 on his right hip is a sheathe to hold his biting blade, this only his armor, Inside is a far different story the man looking nothing like a warrior. “Blastrix you know far better then to ask me to do a solo mission get Fuegan or the Exarch from your Craftworld; do not fly here to pester me!” Karandras said obviously agitated by this. Blastrix shook his head to his comrade his eyes closing g within his helmet of his own, much unlike Karandras a large dark green faceplate then two white runes on the cheek which is a light blue, the rest of the helmet light blue two prong like horns came off top, three soul encrusted gem on each horn visible from both side also red. Green gems made the same way as Karandras cover his eyes then his armor, made of the same substance as Karandras’ armor, wraith bone but no where near as thick covered in white runes which gave it extra protection and how Eldar Farseer armor earned its name a rune armor. A light blue cloak the same color as the armour shrouded around his body hiding his back. At his waist a holster with his shuriken pistol, a few pouches with runes and other things on the leather strap across his chest a dagger and his chest has a his soul stone embedded into it if he were to die. The Spear of Tucalac was in his left hand a large scythe like weapon that had the ability to spin around and become a weapon of his choice. “Listen Karandras not only is Fuegan on a mission, you are best suited for the mission your ability to blend in means you are the only one who can get in and not be detected” Blastrix replied heatedly. Karandras shrugged “Why the **** should I care I do not do Solo missions you of all people should know that Blastrix!” He replied to the farseer. Blastrix lets a loud and annoyed sigh at this “I’ll talk to my Exarch” he finally says turning and talking the Spear of Tucalac tapping on the floor as he walks shaking his head Karandras turning away from him and sitting back down “A solo mission” He mutters angrily to himself in the now empty room closing his eyes inside his helm and entering a trance of meditation.

****

Blastrix looked to Fauthir the head Farseer of Beil-Tan from across the table “He is still being stubborn about it I take it?” Fauthir asked. Blastrix nodded “Far to stubborn he has to realize he will not always get to fight in the big wars the other Phoenix Lords have so why not he?” Blastrix asked the question rhetorical. “Perhaps your Exarch would be a good Idea Blastrix, you know he won’t cave plus if you want to be on schedual your Chrono Generator is almost complete” Fauthir suggested. Blastrix shook his head “The Crystal seers said it has a better chance of succeeding with Karandras, plus it spoke of another fate that would befall him on this mission” Blastrix said “For the better of our race they said” Blastrix finished looking at the Spear. “Even so you know he won’t cave unless he is promised battle” Fauthir retorted to Blastrix who now appeared lost in though. “Of course Battle thank you for reminding me this planet he is going to Ayenee though Human infested does have other speices some that may have even challenged our might if the mon-kiegh hadn’t wiped them out” Blastrix said a sudden twinkle in his eyes.
“You’re so sure of that?” Fauthir said condescendingly to his comrade “Quite” He replied. “Well Karandras is probably fighting some druids right now or training new Scorpions perhaps telling him this before the day is done?” Fauthir said with a helpful tone to which Blastrix nodded. “Well I will make my way to the fighting grounds first” Blastrix said picking up the glass of Eldarian wine before him and downing the rest of the contents setting the glass down and standing up picking up he helmet and placing it over his head clasping it down pieces slide up from the neck of the suit connecting and making it air tight and capable of breathing in space if he went out there with an oxygen tank of course. Karandras walked to the door “Lets hope the crystal seers are right about this whole ordeal though I’d hate to go back in time kill all those humans and find out Iyaden was never in any real danger” Blastrix says with a hint of humor in his voice, “Oh I know Blastrix it would be such a pity” Fauthir said with a small chuckle. Blastrix leaves the room still cackleing dryly as he makes his way to Karandras for a second attempt to get him to do this mission that held the life of many elder lives.

****

The three druids quickly scrambled to their feet one of them with a piece of metal over his chest cavity removed from the blow with the Biting Blade. Karandras stood at the opposite side of the room ready for their next strike his weapons up the Biting Blade and Scorpion Claw, the Biting Blade a sword with the face of it like a chain saw many teeth that spin while fighting making it easier to cut through armors and adamantium of the many races, and on the right his Scorpion Claw covered with a shroud of light blue energy crackling and sparking making it hot enough to melt metal and making Karandras seem a lot stronger then he was though he could punch through most metals without the claw turned on adamantium of Imperial tanks still provided him with a bit of a problem. Two of the droids picked up their feet and turned and charged Karandras waving swords around swinging them at Him trying to cut him down. Karandras weaved in and out of the clumsy swings his Biting Blade coming up and deflecting one blow cutting the sword in half his leg rose up and he booted the other droid in the chest as he had raised his sword over his head to swing down. The kick sent the robot stumbling back a dent in its chest collapsing straight to its back was too much and the droid fell over offline for good. The other droid looked down at its now destroyed sword and with a robotic shrug thrust the jagged metal at Karandras but only got air. Karandras and leaned back the sword flying over head. His scorpion claw shot up and into the abdomen of the droid and out it’s upper back from the angle Karandras threw the punch. He waved his arm side to side causing the metal and circuitry to melt a lot with the exo-skeleton causing the druid to call over in two pieces off line. The third droid came to life finally raising a space marine
bolter and aiming at Karandras firing off a few rounds, two hellfire shells hit Karandras armor exploding the others missing him completely. Smoke from the hellfire rounds filled the training ground and the robot began to fire wildly trying to hit the Phoenix Lord and after he stopped silence. The droid began to cheer it’s self as it had thought it had put the Phoenix Lord down but the victory was short lived. From the cloud of smoke an opened Scorpion Claw shot out grabbing the head of the droid in an unbreakable grip and almost instantly after grabbing it crushing the head of the robot causing a small explosion and the body to fall to the ground Karandras smirking all the while but it seemed all things this day were to be short lived. Karandras’ smirk faded a as he heard the sound of wraith bone hitting wraith bone, someone was watching him and now clapping this angered Karandras as he emitted a low growl. “Well done Karandras I’m glad to see in this time of no battles you have kept your prowess” Blastrix said coming into view as the smoke exited the room via the vents on the ceiling, the enchanting blue cloak swirling around the Farseer and his weapon at his side. “What do you want Blastrix?” Karandras asked quite displeased with his friend’s manners on this day. “Well I had a talk with Fauthir and it seems you want battle and earlier I forgot to mention on when I told about this solo mission their would be much battle and it would be far harder then these druids I assure you” Blastrix said convincingly Karandras watching him carefully. Blastrix and Karandras had been friends for well over 200 000 years and Karandras knew well of the Farseers tricks especially Blastrix, the Farseer who would manipulate his family for the Eldar benefit but still be totally loyal to the family, though his Family was dead as far as the Eldar high council knew his mother and both sisters killed by a race known as stargazers his father and brother defected to the Dark-Kin’s ranks leaving a scar on Blastrix left cheek. Though he never shared how it happened just that it was given to him in battle with his family. “Why do you want me to go on this mission so badly Blastrix” Karandras asked beginning to reconsider at the thought of battle with something other then robots. “Two reasons one of which the Crystal seers would tell me only if I got you for the mission but they said it would be very beneficial for us, the other they said the success rate is much higher if it is you who is sent” Blastrix said seriously stepping deeper into the sparing arena. Karandras nodded it was now or never and he knew the solo mission he spoke of now the one back in time forty thousand years to kill the decendant of some mon-keigh terrorist who destroys Iyaden in a hundred years, the word had traveled fast over the Infinity circuit and it was after a while Karandras put two and two together. “Fine” Karandras said to him the front of the Biting Blade ceased spinning and he dropped it into the sheathe and a quiet beep came from the Scorpion Claw the weapon shutting down the energy around it dissipating his arms dropping to his side “Lets go” he finished. Blastrix nodded with a sly grin under the face plate of his helm “I knew you’d see things my way, you always do” he turned his back before Karandras could respond and made his way out “Meet me at my shuttle in 2 temals(6 hours) I’ll be waiting” Blastrix said as he exited the room the Phoenix Lord moving in the same direction. “You better not be lying Blastrix” he mutters to himself turning the opposite way Blastrix did going to alert the Exarch he is in charge again.

If required I'll explain what some of the things mean.

The names Karandras, Eldar, Iyaden and a few other things are copyrighted to GamesWorkshop and I decidsed to borrow them as the make for cool story lines!

I'm off out in a minute, so give me a short while on it...

Detailed and in thread as per your instructions... here goes, Blaster

Overall: Not a genre I usually dabble in (martial arts (?) and time jumping), but you have a good solid basis for rounding out a terrific read here!

Plot
Pros:
*Definitive forward movement through context.
Ex. Karandras' place in life has been described and it is made clear to the general reader (me) that he has a purpose that has been set for him and he chooses to go and fulfill it or at least partake to some extent in the journey getting there (going to Blastrix's shuttle).
*Good assortment of activities laid out inbetween character introduction to the point where he apparently accepts the solo mission. It keeps reader interest fairly well.

Cons:
*The setting and initial introduction comes across to me as very fuzzy. It could be because I'm not familiar with the characters or placement in the genre. It might help the readers to have a more involved introduction with details outlining what the Striking Scorpians are and what an Exarch is.

Timing
Pros:
*Great sense of timing throughout the chapter(s) with general activities and character interactions. Those areas move along quite well. Each section is pertinent to the story.

Cons:
*Only one tiny mention in the third section where Karandras has suddenly left or encountered the droids. Either there or perhaps in the first paragraphs, a hint or mention could be made of some variety that Karandras can/will/has left the shine. Something along the lines of a small transition word like...."meanwhile..." It just helps the reader follow.

Details
Pros:
*The details on all the armor and weapons are extremely wonderful. It's super-easy to visualize and understand what their functions are. The richness in all of the details here really adds a terrific flavor to the reading and fits in the style you've chosen.
*The details in the character interactions are great too. You've described the emotions and history between the major characters as well as their places and reasons for being involved in the plot.

Cons:
*The armor and weapons details are far superior to the details in any other parts of the writing. They are so intense that thay tend to overbalance the story and bog it down a little in those sections. Most readers love details. If there were more details in other sections it would help balance out the weapons.
Ex. You could spend a little more time on describing the initial interaction between Blastrix and Karandras, or perhaps detail the setting of the story. It's clear later on that they will be travelling off planet, but it would be great to know what the shrine is like, or the areas outside/around it.

Characters
Pros:
*Excellent use of character types and portrayals. The personalities are strong and especially with Karandras it is easy to see how he craves fighting. They fit well with each other, one knowing the others' personalities. Ie. devious nature, lust for battle... etc. They interact with very believable dialogue and intentions.

Cons:
*A little more history at the begining on Karandras would help snatch the attention of an unfamiliar reader. The one point I had trouble with and got lost on was the fight lust. If he wants to battle so much, why would he decline a solo mission...???
Also, I'm a bit unsure exactly what role the Exarchs play and what their importance is. I suspect that will be discussed more in further chapters, but they're really fuzzy at the moment.

Technicals
You *know* what I'm gonna say here.
Pros:
*You got the chapter(s) down fast and all your ideas are completely laid out. That's what is most important when first starting a story because it gives you something to work with.

Cons:
It needs more punctuation. Oh and at one point "druids" turned to "droids". Interesting picture there.


So, to sum up...
It's a great read so far. It catches interest and it will be interesting to see if Karandras can/will actually go through with the extermination. It's an intriguing storyline and I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops.

Scout

Like I said ask me about anything and I''l answer so here we go.

1.Karandras History will be explained more and more over time but really isn't much special.

2.He denied a solo mission because for all he knew it was spying nothing good.

3. I shoulda explained this I'll have to edit and throw it in some where or add it to the Second chapter. All Eldar planets were destroyed they live on Gigantic ships called Craftworlds as they colonize other planets.

4. The Detail isn't that in depth yet because well metal halls just arn't that exciting but I planned to put more of a description into the next Craftworld, Anaigan when they arrive there in the Third chapter. Also I needed tog et the armour described I don't want people to think it's som basic flat armour

5. Okay some Eldar follow the path of the warrior their are Seven Aspects of this path Dire Avenger, Striking Scorpion, Howling Banshee, Fire dragon, Swooping Hawk and Dark Reaper and at the head of those the Seven Pheonix lords Asurman, Karandras(formally Arhra but you'll find out more on him later), Jain Zar, Fuegan(as mentioned), Baharroth and Maugen Ra. The Created (all except Karandaras) their respected aspect and there is a shrine dedicated to them on each Craftworld where they train the warrior aspect and the one who looks after the Shrine and Trains new warriors as that aspect.

6. The Shrine will be described when He reaches Anaigan, as it is where he will be for most of the story stopping occasionally to his shrine he actually shows up there almost immdeatly after he lands on Anaigan so you'll see it then oif you read it then.

7.BAH PUNCTUATION IS FOR SISSIES!

The druid thing was my computers over active auto-spellcheck.

Paragraphs and punctuation would give things flow, and you shift between tenses... ie, "X looked out" vs "X looks out" ...it's distracting, as are some of the overlong sentences.

Read any of Ian Watson's series of inquisitorial 40K stuff? I think you've got the GW backgrounds down neatly.

Originally posted by Stuart Denyer
Paragraphs and punctuation would give things flow, and you shift between tenses... ie, "X looked out" vs "X looks out" ...it's distracting, as are some of the overlong sentences.

Read any of Ian Watson's series of inquisitorial 40K stuff? I think you've got the GW backgrounds down neatly.

Well those are two of my biggest problems when I start writing I just write punctuation tends not to work I put the first tense that comes to mind it should all be past tense (looked). The Sentences are long yes but this is the firsat draft of the first chapter there will be much editting by myself and people assisting the punctuation!

The background is Identicle but the Eldar are no where nearly as bad off as they are according to the GW stories and PHeonix lords are more then a soul with armour they actually take a physical form. All in all more or less the same.